Dear Murray

Dear Murray

I set the case of Corona on the counter, the liquor store cashier say, “Hey, sweetie. Your looking beautiful today. Smile. That’s better. So much prettier when you smile. Anything else, honey?” He does this everytime. I’m irritated, but polite. Anything else would be wasted breath. Then, a painter/construction/labor working guy getting off work comes strolling in, and very loudly says, “Damn, you get some sexy women comin’ in this place.” Liquor store guy catches the clenched look on my face and says something or other for him to shut up, be polite – I was distracted by trying to control my tongue – then to me, liquor store guy says, “He shouldn’t say sexy (like the word itself offends me), use beautiful, right?” Rhetorical question, I know. But I can’t resist, “Or smart” I say, throwing the phrase into a great black abyss. I know his reply before it comes. “Well, yes, but…you know..that’s not…you only see the physical when you first see someone.”

I know, if flipping the argument, a man wouldn’t give two shits. But, tell me – what the fuck kind of response does a guy expect, and what purpose does it serve him to say it in the first place???? I don’t get it. Look, if I’m standing behind some guy at the ATM, I’ll probably check him out. No, I will. I may even think to myself, “Wow, nice!” But I don’t fucking say it!!!!

Come on, tell me my feeling aren’t valid. Tell me to pull the stick out of my ass. But tell me why?

Signed,

Tired of picking up what others drop.

Who says chivalry is dead? Shit, there was more testosterone flyin around that place than at a boxing gym locker room gangbang. I wanna go around to bars with a fucking camera and film my documentary “Stupid Bullshit that Dudes Say and the Stupid Bitches who Fall for It”. Judging from the shit I’ve witnessed, this might end up being one of those 20 volume Ken Burns documentathons, though. Typically, I tend to ignore that kinda shit when women say it, unless it’s the little old 70 year old waitress at the Brite Spot. That shit warms my heart like nothing else when she calls me honey.

It’s the equivelant to social masturbation, and don’t think for a second that cashier dude ain’t doing just that when he gets home. I STAND UP FOR PRETTY LADY SO SHE TOUCH MY PEEPEEEEEEEEE*gah*guah*gah* We’ve got a whole fucking long way to evolve as a society. The brain is the most powerful sexual organ there is. Ain’t nothin I like better than a big ol’ stiffie in my cranium. I figure it’ll take about 15642463451 years for dudes to catch onto the fact that we’re kinda past the hunter/gatherer thing, and that people actually talk to each other now. Until then, I’d recommend wearing one of these to protect you from all the fuckin clubs tryin to hit you in the head, so they can drag yo’ ass back to the cave.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Dear Murray

i’ve been dating this guy for about a year now, and a friend recently told me that he’s been cheating on me. everything has been great so far, but i know this friend wouldn’t lie to me. how can i confront him about this?
-brokenhearted in burbank

Jesus creeping Christ, could you be any more annoying? You’d best be prepared for some serious bullshit, ’cause that’s what you’re about to encounter. I once caught this ex cheating, and when she finally confessed, she said “it only made me realize that I wanted you more.” MY STUPID ASS fell for it, and you know what? The next time made her want me even more. The next time still more. Christ, by the time I dumped that woman, her entire days must have been entirely dedicated to banging other dudes and wanting me.

Now I’m not gonna say you can’t forgive him, but if yo’ stupid ass just lets this slide, you’re issuing a license for him to do it again and again and again.

So if that turns ya on, then shut up and leave me the fuck alone.

Dear Murray

my fiance and i are having a huge problem in the bedroom. the other day he, um, asked me if i would, um , swallow. I have never done this before, and I am disgusted, but at the same time, i don’t want him to cheat on me… am I just not kinky enough? When he asked me to put my finger in his ass during sex, i agreed as well, but this is just going one step too far. Murray, please help!

“What’s the difference between like and love? spit or swallow!”-Sinead O’Connor. OK, OK. So Sinead didn’t say it first, I’m sure, but dammit, she said it (i saw it on TV), and if there ever was anyone full of GIRL POWER it’s Sinead. So, what? It’s good enough for Sinead, but not for you? You need to be more of a liberated woman. Shit. BURN YOUR BRA AND DRINK FROM THE FOUNTAIN, WOMAN!

But shit, compounded with the anal finger banging you gotta give him, I gotta think this dude’s getting off on making you do gross shit. SOOOO… I propose this. You gotta come up with equally disgusting things to make him do, and don’t try to tell me you can’t think of any! The female body is like a fucking baskin robbins 31 flavors of various orifices and the secretions they produce. TURNABOUT IS FAIR PLAY!

(I have many ideas but I cannot put them into print right now, as I just ate and do not wish to sicken everyone, most notably MYSELF).

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Dear Murray

I have a problem that I really need some clarity on. I’m dating this man, and it’s becoming pretty serious. My dilemma is that he is not that good looking to me. I am used to dating nice looking men and although I love him dearly I can’t get over this natural issue. I want to because I’m ready to move forward but if I’m honest with myself, there isn’t a day that goes by where this does not concern me. Please help.
Kris

HOw the motherfuck do you get this far? Did you dance on fucking eggshells hoping not to offend this fucker’s sensitive feelings about his giant rabbit teeth and his hairlip? WHAT THE FUCK? Everyone tries to be so fucking nice, but there’s a point where being nice is being shitty. JUST TELL THE FUCKING TRUTH. “Hey listen, buddy, I would date you if you lost 75 lbs.” “I would date you if you got that mole removed on your bottom lip”. FUCK. It’s just honesty. I LOVE HONESTY.

You’d be amazed how much less this hurts than 2 years from now when you’re married and sneaking off banging some non-hairlip dude.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Dear Murray

i just moved to LA from Dayton, Ohio and I have noticed that I am having problems getting laid. Telling them about my 80′s theme band “Pink Rock Glitter” doesn’t seem to impress them, and all I can afford is a damaged rental car from this werid pakistani guy on Cahuenga Blvd. I am wondering now if it’s a good idea to tell them that I am a nude photograper, because that should get me laid, right? Now my question is: How do I get started? I have no experience. Any ideas?
-shutterbug

Jesus H. fucking Malmsteen Christ. I thought Great White did away with all of you a couple years back.

In fact, I still have a copy of the newspaper:

First of all, you should get your band all together in one place, pile your instruments in a pile in the middle of the floor, remove all of your leather and feather boas, and place them on top. Now, instead of doing what the five of you would NORMALLY do when faced with this situation, I want you to set fire to your pile. Problem 1: solved.

Here’s the secret to getting women to pose nude for you: you have to pay them. Lots. The hell did you get the idea that they gonna just drop their panties ’cause you got a zoom lens? You’re gonna have to work three jobs just to support this hobby. besides, buddy. i read craigslist, too. the word is out. your lens ain’t zoom.

Now leave me the fuck alone.