Dear Murray,

Why do so many strangers think I look like someone they know? Is the gene pool slipping so much that we are all looking alike? Should I just become a body double?

Signed,
No, I’m not that guy.

You know it’s a sad state of society when one of the first questions potential datees ask you is “what celebrity do people tell you you look like?” Fuck, they even put that question on internet dating sites. I always answered the question as honestly as I could. (I look like Nipsy Russell, mothafucka!)

I think it has more to do with the fact that we all feel so lost in this fucking world and need a point of reference for everything. Anything new is SCARY. Shit, it fucks up associations, too. You look like some chick’s best friend from high school, therefore, YOU WILL NEVER TASTE OF HER SWEETNESS. Get plastic surgery, or give it up, DUCKY! Your ass’ll never get the pussy!

That shit can come in handy, too, though. When I split with one of my exes ya know what the first thing I did was? I found some girl who looked just fucking like her. We banged a few times, and then I never talked to her again. It sure the fuck made me feel better!

It’s true that the gene pool has become shallow and infested with sharks, but I think this shit has more to do with the fact that people are boring. We’ve got nothing to talk about, so we rely on a few tried and true favorites to start a conversation. “Do you like sushi?” “Do you like anal sex?” and “Man, you know, you reaally look like my 10th grade chemistry partner!”

What the fuck can you say to that? “So, did ya fuck him?”

That response seems to work wonders, no matter who the fuck they tell ya that you look like (my ex-boyfriend, my bible school teacher, my father…)

Shuts them up faster than anything.

Now leave me the fuck alone.