Dear Murray

Dear Murray,
I volunteer at Much Love Animal Shelter, I am a devout vegan and I don’t believe in the death penalty, but something happened tonight that shook me to the bone. I don’t know what happened. I think my feral animal nature over-rode my animal-loving nature, but today I saw a mouse crawl into my recycling bin and I didn’t rescue him from the lake of stale beer at the bottom. Not only did I allow him to nearly drown, but I let him get inebriated to the point where he was unable to run from my pit bull terrier. Fortunately, i was cooking bacon and my dog was distracted to the point where her natural mousing instinct was scrambled…
do I save the bacon grease? Or the drunken mouse?

Christ. Does this ever remind me of something that happened to me. I was a vegetarian for 16 fucking years, and I was living in this house on a hill with a buncha people. So, we got this mouse coming around. Took over like the fucking place was his own. Running to and fro, and all the housemates could do was fret about it. So we had the discussion, and they were all “i dunno… i don’t wanna kill the guy. i don’t want the bad karma…” HERE I AM the only motherfucking vegetarian in the household, screaming “KILL IT! KILL THE MOTHERFUCKER! KIIIIILLL IIIIT!”

Finally, we killed it, and were all happier for having done so.

Yeah, I gave up the vegetarianism. For what? Bacon. It was the gateway meat to sausage and pepperoni and chicken. It was only a matter of time. Lots of people told me I was a fucking hypocrite for being a vegetarian and wearing leather, but so fucking what? Of the many rights I have as a human being, the right to be a hypocrite is one that I hold very fucking dear. So kiss my motherfucking ass.

So, who gives a fuck? You’re cooking bacon for your dog but won’t let him eat a fucking mouse? That’s in fucking direct defiance of nature. Dogs may catch and eat a mouse, but when do you see a dog pull down a fucking pig and start gnawing on it looking for its pork rinds?

Just let the dog have the mouse and keep the bacon for yourself.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

This morning, I received the following email:

From:
Larry Sinclair (Add as Preferred Sender) ?
Date: Thu, Feb 21, 2008 10:13 am
To: murray@dearmurray.com
Murray, this cooment I am sure will be edited to your needs. However, I am notifying you that the comments you have cut and pasted from comments section on my youtube video are not authorized to be posted in your hilarious attempts to discredit me. Notice is hereby given tat if my comments taken from other web sites are not removed this date, 2/21/08 from the dear murray dot com site you will be serve with legal process. You may refer to said comments and where they may be found, but you may not post them on your site.

Do as you wish, but you are notified to remove them imediately.

Mr. Sinclair, first I’d like you to familiarize yourself with your computer’s spell checker, then please familiarize yourself with the term fair use. You see, nobody needs your permission or Cao’s permission, or YouTube’s permission or WhiteHouse.com‘s permission to quote snippets of its content, so long as it fits the parameters of fair use. The smaller the snippet, the more likely it is to be determined to be “fair use.” i.e., what I can’t do is copy the code for Cao’s site and clone it on my site and claim it as my own. To quote one snippet (where I’ve even attributed the source) is 100% within the definition of “fair use.”

So, you’re completely full of shit, and all this complaining about people reposting your video has even less credibility. So, if anyone’s falling for the lawsuit shit, you need to back away from your computer for a while. Only YouTube has the standing to protect material posted on its site that it deems proprietary. So, please, by all means, write YouTube and beg them to sue a bunch of sites for reposting your content hosted on YouTube. I hope you do sue them to reveal everyone’s private information, because I want to get in on some of this lawsuit action. I’ve got hemmorhoids that look just like Eddie Money, and I want YouTube to pay my medical bills!

Thank you, however, for claiming ownership of all of the quotes that I’ve attributed to you. Now, you and your YouTube army of goons (or “The Sunshine Club”, isn’t that their new Kool Aid-drinking gang name?) won’t be able to claim that you didn’t make those comments later on.

You really do need to start talking to a lawyer, though, about these things, and stop going around threatening to sue the whole entire internet. Then again, in this day and age, a lawsuit threat from Larry means you’ve finally made it! One would think, with this much ballyhooed secret treasure chest of proof you claim to have, you’d spend a little more time working on putting that together, and a little less time threatening to sue the whole fucking innerweb.

I suggest you begin your lawyer search by looking at the ads on the back of buses and phone books that say “Accidentes!”

For further hilarity, listen to Cao’s interview with Larry. More appropriately titled “Larry rambles on and on and on about Dear Murray.” Better yet, let’s play a drinking game. Every time you hear my name mentioned, take a shot. Be sure to arrange for a designated driver first!

Perhaps soon, I’ll post the emails Larry sent me on YouTube where he: Demanded that I identify myself to him and “who I was working for.” (I work for Huckabee, the future President of Jesusland), told me he had a lawyer filing a civil case against Obama and Axelrod and the DNC (he was referring to his other self, in the other room at the time, scribbling out the forms), threatened that a reporter would be contacting me soon (sadly, I didn’t even get a reporter from a fake gmail account… what am I here, chopped liver?), and concludes his ranting by asking me for tech support on how to upload a video to YouTube. Stay tuned!

Now, to answer the ridiculous questions you asked Dan Parisi regarding me, implying that he sold you out or something, I was in LA, because I have lived in LA for over six years now. We all thought you were in New York. We knew you were in LA from your little psychotic episode that you had on YouTube telling everyone that you were in LA, at the Checkers Hotel, and trying to extort money from them. I know that area well, because I worked at Wilshire and Figueroa, about three blocks away for about three freakin years. I know every restaurant in that area, and have eaten at most of them. So I sent out the info that I was meeting with my lawyer at the Water Grill (where I’ve eaten many times. i recommend the morel mushrooms, when they’re in season) to FUCK with you/your people. Then, I had a good laugh, and had dinner with my girlfriend, at home. The tactic evidently worked, though, if you were blowing up Parisi’s inbox about it. Honestly, it creeped me out a bit, since we were all told this was going down in NYC, and you were telling everyone that you were in LA. Why the hell were you in MY town, instead of NYC where you were supposed to be? Creepy. Then, we learned that the whole NYC thing was a trick.

Dear Murray:

Help me out please. I need an idea of how to exact my revenge without getting arrested.

Here’s why:
I’ve worked at this piece of shit company for a little over a year now. I was hired to do HR work and instead I get to do bullshit secretary work. The execs at this place are all chauvinistic pigs (I wasn’t aware of this when I accepted the job) and have spent the last year showing me exactly how little they respect me.

First my ideas were dismissed. Then I was ignored. Then I was really ignored. Then my ideas were stolen. Then I heard I wasn’t taken seriously because of how I dressed (and no, I don’t dress like a fucking hobo). Then what few HR projects I had, were given to the finance guy (cuz that makes perfect sense). Then I was regarded as the office whore (which is not legit).

Of course I’ve done the obvious and gotten a new job. However, I decided to man the fuck up and finish my two weeks (regretting it as we speak).

So in my last two weeks of hell how can I get back at them without anyone knowing?

Thanks,
Really fucking pissed off in Wyoming

There is no more powerful (wo)man in the world than ONE WHO HAS JUST TURNED IN THEIR RESIGNATION. Who the hell you gotta impress? It’s the one chance you’ll ever have to rain truth bombs all over that shithole you invested ALL THOSE GODDAMNED WASTED YEARS on.

What? You walking gingerly to get yourself one a them there precious referrals? Only a true ASSKISSER would finish that shit quietly. SPEAK SOME TROOF!

Yo, Indian guy in IT. You’re supposed to EAT THE CURRY, not slather it all over your body like you’re turning yourself into a walking homage to Ganesha’s asshole. If I have to smell your ass for one more week, I’ll never fucking eat tikki masala AGAIN!

Gary, in sales. When you laugh, it sounds like two elderly porpoises fucking. Seriously, I can’t UNDERSTAND why your wife just divorced your ass! I’m gonna have nightmares the rest of my life where I hear your laugh, have Vietnam-like flashbacks, and wake up choking the shit outta my girlfriend. If I could have the part of my memory that contains your fucking laugh surgically removed with a fucking chisel, I would.

Sue, you fucking cunt. You know why people don’t get more shit done around here? It takes TWO FUCKING hours to do anything, and 1 hour 45 minutes of that involves you standing at their desk bitching and whining about it. If you really want to increase productivity, you’ll spend that time licking your own asshole. That’s a more productive use of your jaw muscles than having to sit here listening to your whiny fucking voice. Your ass really needs to get laid. I hear Gary’s available.

HEY, FAT HORNY GUY. You know when we’re on the elevator, and a pretty girl steps off, the doors close, and you nudge me and say “did ya see that?” YOU FAT FUCK, you are WAY too fucking sexually excited to be touching me right fucking now. Now I’m gonna have to break into the cleaning closet and wash my arms in fucking BORAX just to rid my body of your festering pheromones. We both know you’ll be in the bathroom tugging your puny little pud in five minutes, and that’s cutting it way too close in the time between your hands touching me and your hands touching your dick. Keep the masturbation fantasies to yourself, motherfucker! If you can’t, then go tell ‘em to GARY.

And you, Fred. You’re the worst of them all. I started listening to death metal at my desk because it was the ONLY THING POWERFUL ENOUGH TO DROWN OUT YOUR OBNOXIOUS VOICE. And I FUCKING hate death metal! I hate death metal more than anything and everything in this world except for the sound of your voice, so it was an easy decision. I suggest you get yourself a horse muzzle and strap that shit on, for always. There is nothing worse in this here life than overhearing a conversation between you and Gary. Between your voice and his laugh, I fucking swear a vortex is gonna open up and suck this whole company down into the fire of fucking hell.

And I don’t wanna be here when that happens, so that’s why I’m resigning.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Dear Murray

i am a germany born eastern european female in my mid 20s, medium blonde with green blue eyes.I watch all those cool videos on MTV with 50 cent and now I want to start wearing doorags, so I can fit in. Do you think the bruthaz will notice if that am not really black? Please help!
-c-dawg from da BH hood

You think the world hasn’t noticed that Michael Jackson isn’t black? This is a tough question for me, since I know you’ve built your entire vernacular from years of watching Yo! MTV Raps! but I’m up for the challenge. As I said before, Murray grew up in the hood. As much of a hood as there could be in the smaller town I was from. If you wanna impress black people, I learned a little secret. Be yourself. Just because you watched Roots don’t mean that you can relate to “mah peeps”. They’re not gonna care about how you “kicked it on Magnolia in the Burbank hoods back in the day.” So give it up. If you need a look to fit in somewhere, lemme suggest you model yourself after these guys. You’ll fit right in.

Now leave me the fuck alone.