General Malaise | Dear Murray

Category Archives: General Malaise

Doggie 9-1-1 is a joke

October 12, 2007 – 10:23 am

Dear Murray

My dog is sick. What should I do? I don’t live by any veterinarians or animal hospitals. The doctors at the regular human hospital won’t even look at him. He has a fever and he hurts when he walks and he won’t eat and he has a temperature. What advice do you have for me?

Sad about my dog,
Crys

I knew it was gonna come back and haunt me letting it out that Murray is a softie. Dogs are dumb, stupid, drooling, codependent animals. You won’t make Murray cry! Filthy, dirty, cat shit-eating beasts! Don’t look at me with those eyes!

If you really care about this dog, here’s what you do. You’re gonna need the following items: a giant serving platter with a lid, two oversized kitchen knives (the kind like you see on bugs bunny and shit), a red and white checkered bib, and a few condiments (see Anonymous in Koreatown to find out what goes good with dog). I want you to put the dog on the platter, cover him, and walk into the closest hospital emergency room. Put the bib on, pull out the knives and rub them together like you’re sharpening them. Then take the lid off the platter. By now, someone should have asked “what the fuck are you doing???????” to which you can reply “HE’S SICK, SO I HAS TO EAT HIM!”

You’ll be amazed at how quickly they’ll find a veterinarian. Now leave me the fuck alone.

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SEIZE THIS, BITCHES!

October 8, 2007 – 2:57 pm

Dear Murray:I have a problem I hope you can help me with. (hehe) I have epilepsy and.. My assfuck doctors keep putting me on medication after medication. It’s fucking with me, physically and emotionally. All these different meds cause shitty side effects. What should I say or do tell them to kiss my ass? I’m not above calling nasty names too!
Thanks for your expert advice, Michelle

I once thought I had epilepsy. Turned out, though, that I was just looking at too many Myspace profiles where everygoddamnedthing <3 WaS *TyPeD* LiKe ThIs <3

Look, quit the bitchin’ and take charge! What is the perfect compliment to epilepsy? It’s goddamned well about time you flavored that with a little TOURETTE’S! Let’s face it, if there’s one debilitating disease out there we’d all love to be diagnosed with, it’s FUCKINGPISSFUCKHEAD TOURETTE’S! Hell, I’ve been pickling my brain for a good 60 years now with Snacky Cakes trying to score myself a positive diagnosis.

Imagine the looks on their faces if you came at ‘em flailing AND cussing! Think Linda Blair in the Exorcist! Double up on the pea soup, just in time for Halloween!

Hell, at this point, I’ll bet the only thing wrong with you is the fact that you’re more jacked up on prescription drugs than Rush Limbaugh on a month-long Mexican hillbilly heroin binge!

Grab them motherfuckers by the balls and tell ‘em LUCIPHER COMMANDS YOU TO EAT THEIR BALLS, and they’ll get a hell of a lot more accurate with their prescription pad, I GUARANTEE IT.

Now leave me the piss hell whore sucking cockhead fuck alone!

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