Dear Murray

Dear Murray

What are your thoughts on prostitution? Should it be legalized or not? It sucks having to go all the way to Tijuana to get some easy ass.
-Horny in Hollywood

Lemme tell ya, it’s a sad fucking cuntry we live in when you can sell your soul, but you can’t sell your ass. So, let’s combine these two pasttimes, why don’t we? First, we legalize prostitution. Then, we can regulate it, tax it, and make sure the hookers are clean. Then, we take that motherfucker to Wall Street. That’s right. Whores, Inc., is gonna be the fucking biggest IPO ever to hit. Fuckers are gonna go crazy when our ticker symbol comes across the screen:

HO +45.23I CAN BUY THAT NEW HOUSE! Sure, it’s gonna have its ups and downs: condom shortages, natural drop in consumer demand right after xmas, but hell. I think the most beautiful thing I can ever imagine would be a buncha motherfucking suits running around freaking the fuck out. OH MY GOD! CHLAMYDIA OUTBREAK! WHORES ARE DOWN! SELL! SELL! SEEEEELLLLLLLLLLL! That’s like xmas, the 4th of July, and Bastille Day all rolled into one, right there.We launch Jan. 1. Now leave me the fuck alone.

Dear Murray:

why do women love dancing so goddamn much?

- out of step

Hell, I’ve seen relationships end over this. My ex once said to me “we’re too different” and then, sounding like a line from one of those fucking 80s forbidden-dance-of-love movies “ALL I WANT TO DO IS DANCE”. Not to take anything away from the manliest man who ever lived, Kevin Bacon, but LOOK what legacy he’s left us. Hollywood’s left us with a fucking tainted view of reality. We ain’t never gonna come up saying “NOBODY PUTS BABY IN A CORNER”. Not without spitting our well-deserved beer outta our nose. Fuck Rudolph Valentino! Don’t try yanking us out there trying to make us have a “good time.” We’re perfectly happy sitting on a chair with a beer and watching, maybe holding up our beer every once in awhile in the universal sign of male approval of what you’re doing.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Dear Murray

how come women are such bitches?

j

christ, what you know about women you could squeeze snugly into an ant’s twat (and still have room for a reacharound). why not just cut to the chase and start referring to women as “them things you stick yer pee-pee in”? i suggest you read a book or two about women’s struggles, and stop forming your opinions from 2 live crew lyrics.

now leave me the fuck alone.

Dear Murray:

This girl moved away and won’t write or call my roomate, and he keeps talking about her and how he has forgotten her, but he keeps talking about her and he won’t take her off his “my space” account. Should I tell him that the healthy thing to do is to let her go, or is there something even more caring I could say or do?

sensitive-new-age-roomate

You really had me until you said sensitive. Any man who refers to himself as sensitive is really saying “I will pretend to listen to you until you’re really weak and vulnerable, then I will pop out of your closet butt ass naked shouting ‘ze TIGER AWAKES!” You want this girl for yourself, don’t you, mr. ponytail?

Someone once told me “friends don’t let friends drive drunk. they get drunk and ride with ‘em!” Get your friend loaded and he’ll be over it in no time. And take a fucking cab. Now leave me the fuck alone.

Dear Murray

so if a guy says he’ll call you back and doesn’t, but sends you an email apologizing for not callin you back and sayin he’ll call you that night and doesn’t.. What is up w/ that? Not interested, playin games, or just fuckin busy?
-Karen

I’ll bet his old man was alot like mine. When I was a boy, pops sat me on his knee and said “son, you wanna marry a woman who can cook for you, fetch you a beer and has GREAT BIG KNOCKERS.”

You ever watch those fishing shows on TV? These guys sit around throwing out their fishing line, they hook a fish, reel it in a bit, let the fish think it’s gonna get free, then they yank the mother outta the water. They show it off to everyone, and throw it back in the water.

You can learn a lot from fishing shows. Now leave me the fuck alone.

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