Bitches | Dear Murray

Category Archives: Bitches

Does this blog make me look fat?

March 19, 2008 – 11:32 am

Dear Murray,

Let’s share the love a little bit, here. After all those shrill, self-righteous rants I just read against fat people, I’m feeling a little left out. You see, I’m a recovering anorexic. I am 5′8″ tall, and at various points in my life I’ve weighed as little as 85 pounds. I have never tried to blame my condition on the media, or anything but my own sick psyche.

However, since I notice that people without eating disorders are usually the ones most eager to “cast the first stone”, I say let’s spread the hatred around! This world is so much nicer when we’re all judging one another, don’t you think?

Inkchica

“You ain’t nothin but a bag of bones, covered in a thin layer of FAG.” God, I loved Kids in the Hall.

Watching TV and getting sucked into pop culture’ll definitely put the fear of lard in ya. I do think bulemia and anorexia are passe these days, in favor of even more psyche-damaging fads like ATKINS. The fuck is going on here? Carl’s, Jr. has this creepy giant hamburger wrapped only in lettuce. What kinda ghetto fucking meal is that? WHEN WILL THE MEATSHAKE ARRIVE? COME THE REVOLUTION, COME THE MEATSHAKE.

The world would be such a better fucking place if we all knew how to use moderation, eh? Walk the middle way path of the Buddha, and we’ll all be happy and healthy and the world would have no fucking variety. Skinny people would have no fat people to make fun of. Fat people would have no anorexic people to make fun of. It’s such a wonderful symbiosis.

The people in the middle have the biggest dilemma. In a world where you are defined by your adversities and disorders, HOW CAN MR./MRS. AVERAGE GET AN INVITE TO BE ON RICKI LAKE MOTHAFUCKA! My entire empire of dirt for just one GO RICKI!

You’re no different. We all got something we have to crutch onto. C.F.S, A.D.D., pay ATTENTION TO ME!

Have you noticed how it’s fucking trendy to be in therapy these days? Are we really this fucked as a society? A: YES! I’m thinking of going into therapy on account of I’ve developed a complex due to the fact that all of my friends are in therapy.

Were you one of those people who would do like 500 sit ups a night, ’cause you were feeling guilty about that small order of french fries you had at lunch? Christ. Eat a sammich already.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

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Goin to the Chapel, and We’re… Gonna Get Herpes

February 25, 2008 – 4:34 pm

Dear Murray:

I need your help. I have this friend who has been in a relationship for about 10 years. They’ve been engaged for the past four years, but about a year ago, my friend got suspicious of her fiance and went through his wallet. She found out that he had been soliciting prostitutes. The next thing I knew, she had stepped up their wedding plans. All she could talk about was the wedding. Well, time goes by, and everything is all fine and dandy with their wedding plans, but then she was going through his email and found emails from where he’d been soliciting sex on craigslist ads. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen her, but we’re hanging out soon. What should I tell her? I don’t want to make her mad at me, but should I tell her to dump the guy? Please help.

-Lost in Las Vegas

Well, first things first. Is your friend mildly retarded? Is she a codependent child of an alcoholic father? Self-esteem of a 13 year old with glasses, acne, AND braces?

There is a time for fighting for your true love and there is a time when you’re just a pathetic cling-on. THEY LOOK SO MUCH THE SAME.

Rushing the wedding plans? FUCK. He did it once, so she fucking thought she’d rush that shit and stake her claim on him, and it would all work out fine. Hubby would settle down and not cruise for $20 BJs no more no more. Ain’t gonna cruise no more. Good fucking luck. I’ve never solicited a prostitute myself, but I got a feeling that shit is like crack. Once you cross that fucking line into paying for hookers, you can’t get enough! Hell, you pick her up, do the business, kick her out of your car. Obviously, this mothafucka can’t exactly afford the hooker lovin lifestyle, so he’s turned to craigslist where he can get it for FREE.

And your friend just keeps taking him back. Christ, I swear I saw this shit on Lifetime. She gets genital warts and then they have to go in with like a woodburning needle and burn half her cervix away and shit. She can never have babies and don’t we feel so sorry for her blahblahblah.

Grab her by the ears and tell her BITCH! HERPES WILL BE YOUR FRIEND FOREVER (lylas)! If she still can’t get a fucking clue, I suggest you write this one off, and find yourself some less pathetic friends.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

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