Funny Blog, Funny Advice Blog, Humor Blog, Advice Column, Sex Advice, Love Advice, Relationship Advice by Dear Murray

May 29, 2008 – 11:43 am

Dear Murray:

I’m so fed up with my job. The company I work for is the most boring company on the face of the Earth. We make books for real estate appraisers. Real boring shit. Some of the people around here get excited about this shit, and it makes me just want to shit in the coffeemaker. When I first got this job, I was just happy to be employed. Not too long ago, our company was sold, and I got a good chunk of money out of the deal. This morning, though, my girlfriend came in to work with me so she could use the phone in my office, and I got in trouble with one of the higher ups. They said it was a “security issue.” Should I just walk out of this place, or start looking for a new job, or just suck it up and be happy to be employed right now?

-Disgruntled worker

Damn, this is exactly the kind of big brotha motherfuckin bullshit I try to avoid in my life. Mothafuckas think that because they give you a paycheck they got every right to be in your business.

Yes, a paycheck is a little difficult to come by in the Bush regime, but mothafuck. What next? They gonna start following you around with a piss cup? Shit, I once went to apply for a fuckin job working at a Village Pantry fucking convenience store and they wanted me to piss in a cup. You can’t sell smokes and scratch’em lotto tickets if you’re takin’ the pot!

I’m about to go absolute apeshit today. There are fewer and fewer areas of life that are safe from our motherfuckin’ government and/or motherfuckin employers digging into. It makes me wanna find some company that monitors your internet usage and start browsing on how to build pipebombs and how to kidnap your boss for ransom and shit.

Why do we stand back and take this shit? Why do we motherfuckin say “sure, i’ll piss in your cup!”???? Are we this fuckin’ desperate for money?

I’ll piss in your motherfuckin candy dish motherfucker! Shitdamn motherfucka. This shit is bursting a vessel in my forehead. Quit those motherfuckas a.s.a.p. Walk the fuck out if you gotta. Otherwise, you’re just perpetuating the constant bullshit from the MAN.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Share This

In case of DICK, break glass

May 7, 2008 – 11:27 am

Dear Murray -

I am in love. It is honestly the most healthy open relationship I’ve ever been in, and he treats me better than I could have ever expected. But I have issues(who doesn’t?). he has a lot of friends who are girls, he always has…I was one of them at one point. it makes me so jealous….and all of them bother me. from the ones I know and am friends with, to the ones I haven’t met yet, to his myspace friends who live on the other side of the world. my problem isn’t even that I don’t trust him, I don’t trust other girls. I’m a girl, I know how we can be…and it’s not pretty. I know I’m being silly to an extent, but I can’t seem to move past this. I don’t know what to do!

overly jealous

Well, damn. Why don’t you just keep him in a pet cage? Ain’t it possible for women and men to just be friends? You think dudes would just bang their women friends? HELL YES THEY WOULD!

What keeps it from happening? WELL QUITE OBVIOUSLY it’s the women! No doubt the vast majority of male/female friendships haven’t crossed that line because the WOMAN hasn’t said YES. Yet.

So how do you keep it from happening? You’re doing the right thing. Make friends with the female friends. Get to know them, make them adore you. If that don’t make ya feel secure, instill a general sense of GREAT INSTABILITY. Scare the fuck outta them. Carry a switchblade comb. Hell, carry a switchblade, too. Accidentally pull out the blade and start to comb your hair with it.

I always liked to befriend the female friends of girls I dated. Know why? NOBODY TALKS SHIT LIKE A PISSED OFF BEST GIRLFRIEND! No need to go searching for what went wrong! Sooner or later, she’s gonna piss off her best girlfriend and you’re gonna get a fuckin’ earful! You’re gonna learn that bitch wears false teeth ’cause she’s lost all of her teeth but FOUR! You’re gonna get so disgusted, you’re not gonna even give a shit about why she dumped you anymore.

If they are making you so jealous, yo’ ass must be feeling insecure. So just what you feeling so goddamned insecure about? One of them hoochies got a better car? Better job? Bigger tits? Better at oral sex? None of those really mean that fucking much. (With the exception of that last one, which commands universal consideration).

Maybe your ass has been through hell and back, but what really matters is does it feel right? That shit is unexplainable, but it trumps everything. Can we have just as much fun watching goddamned antenna tv as we can going to fuckin Disneyland? We just want this shit to be as easy as possible. That’s what matters to us. That and a killer BJ, and we’re yours forever. Oh, and we don’t wanna hear any bitching about our friends.

Now leave me the fuck alone.