Dear Murray

I set the case of Corona on the counter, the liquor store cashier say, “Hey, sweetie. Your looking beautiful today. Smile. That’s better. So much prettier when you smile. Anything else, honey?” He does this everytime. I’m irritated, but polite. Anything else would be wasted breath. Then, a painter/construction/labor working guy getting off work comes strolling in, and very loudly says, “Damn, you get some sexy women comin’ in this place.” Liquor store guy catches the clenched look on my face and says something or other for him to shut up, be polite - I was distracted by trying to control my tongue - then to me, liquor store guy says, “He shouldn’t say sexy (like the word itself offends me), use beautiful, right?” Rhetorical question, I know. But I can’t resist, “Or smart” I say, throwing the phrase into a great black abyss. I know his reply before it comes. “Well, yes, but…you know..that’s not…you only see the physical when you first see someone.”

I know, if flipping the argument, a man wouldn’t give two shits. But, tell me - what the fuck kind of response does a guy expect, and what purpose does it serve him to say it in the first place???? I don’t get it. Look, if I’m standing behind some guy at the ATM, I’ll probably check him out. No, I will. I may even think to myself, “Wow, nice!” But I don’t fucking say it!!!!

Come on, tell me my feeling aren’t valid. Tell me to pull the stick out of my ass. But tell me why?

Signed,

Tired of picking up what others drop.

Who says chivalry is dead? Shit, there was more testosterone flyin around that place than at a boxing gym locker room gangbang. I wanna go around to bars with a fucking camera and film my documentary “Stupid Bullshit that Dudes Say and the Stupid Bitches who Fall for It”. Judging from the shit I’ve witnessed, this might end up being one of those 20 volume Ken Burns documentathons, though. Typically, I tend to ignore that kinda shit when women say it, unless it’s the little old 70 year old waitress at the Brite Spot. That shit warms my heart like nothing else when she calls me honey.

It’s the equivelant to social masturbation, and don’t think for a second that cashier dude ain’t doing just that when he gets home. I STAND UP FOR PRETTY LADY SO SHE TOUCH MY PEEPEEEEEEEEE*gah*guah*gah* We’ve got a whole fucking long way to evolve as a society. The brain is the most powerful sexual organ there is. Ain’t nothin I like better than a big ol’ stiffie in my cranium. I figure it’ll take about 15642463451 years for dudes to catch onto the fact that we’re kinda past the hunter/gatherer thing, and that people actually talk to each other now. Until then, I’d recommend wearing one of these to protect you from all the fuckin clubs tryin to hit you in the head, so they can drag yo’ ass back to the cave.

Now leave me the fuck alone.