Self Gratification | Dear Murray

Category Archives: Self Gratification

An open letter to my stalkers, you suck

October 25, 2007 – 11:58 am

Dear Murray

Does it mean a guy is stalking you when he calls over 100 times in one day?
-Scared in Scarborough

Let’s not rush to judgement just yet. Maybe he’s prone to seizures and/or assdialing his cell phone. That many assdials in one day would lead me to believe that’s quite a large and talented ass, though, so that may not be likely. MAYBE HE JUST HAS A PRESENT FOR YOU AND WANTS TO SURPRISE YOU! He just wants to show you the wedding dress he bought you! Hell, I just got an email from my stalker I thought had abandoned me. It’s been 7 months since I replied to an email, and this is the best she can come up with: boo! Mornin S* u good? OH COME ON. Murray is worth so much more than THAT. How the fuck do you respond to that? How’s this? ahh. you scared me. no, really, you scared me, and it sure the fuck wasn’t the “boo”. now fuck off.

Christ. I need more articulate stalkers. If yours has half the vernacular of a fuckin fruit fly, I’ll take them off your hands.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

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Yet another asskisser

October 23, 2007 – 1:33 pm

Dear Murray

I am a mother of three, recently divorced. I like your frankness in dealing with people. I find myself very drawn and attracted to you. I would like to give you my number so that we can talk. What do you think?
– angela

As you can tell from these blogs, I’m very shy and sensitive. You gotta build up a level of trust with Murray. You got a 48 hour window in which not to bore me. If ya make it past that, and you haven’t gotten one of the rejection lines listed below, then yo’ ass has impressed me. So go ahead. Gimme your number. I promise I won’t post it on my blog or anything like that, no no.

Ya really think Murray would make a good role model for your kids? You’re gonna be expecting me to babysit, and with that many kids, Murray’s game of choice is always a game of “HIDE AND GO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR 30 MINUTES PLEASE WILL YA? NO MURRAY AIN’T GOT NO STINKIN’ POKEY-MAN.” Else maybe they can take turns grabbin me beers while I read them kids stories by Proudhon. Sound good?

GIMME YOUR DIGITS or leave me the fuck alone.

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