Dear Murray

Dear Murray

Do you think the president is gay?
I read the other day that Hitler was supposedly gay, too.
Please clarify.
-confused in D.C.

I fuckin wish he was gay. More funding for the arts, our nation’s colors would change to match the seasons, and Secretary of Defense: Liza Minnelli! However, it could be true if you consider the Conservative viewpoint. They sure go on and on an awful lot, so let me paraphrase: “OH DEAR GOD BRING ME WHAT’S LEFT OF RONALD REAGAN SO I CAN LICK HIS ASS.” That said, Mr. President Dubya is too fucking stupid to be gay. Interesting that you bring up Hitler, though. You ever look at the comparisons between Hitler’s agenda and Big Baby Bush? Both Hitler and Big Bush spoke of a NEW WORLD ORDER. The first thing they both did when they took office was raise a big stink about the flag. Lastly, I have it on authority that they both did, in fact, lick Ron Reagan’s ass. So, Mr. President Dubya is nothing but a puppet for his old man. Gay? Hell, he couldn’t pick out a color-coordinated outfit to save his life. He can, however, do a good job picking his nose.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Dear Murray:

One of the unfortunate things about LA is that everyone’s a fucking “actor”. They walk alike… they talk alike… they’ve assimilated into a single collective genius. So, how does one find a true opinion in this condition? How do you separate the affected from the affectation? It’s become draining to hear “Bush is evil” from people who can’t tell you why or, alternatively, offer a parroted, pirated version of something they heard on NPR.

Yours truly,

clichéd and equally pretentious eastsider

It’s so fucking hard to separate the actors from the “actors”. I blame reality TV. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard someone say “I don’t need classes, you either got it or you don’t”. All art, people, be it writing, acting, painting, is 10% talent, and 90% hard fucking work. There are fewer and fewer genuine actors (a fine, fine art) left in this world. Give me Sean Penn, give me Edward Norton, give me Freddy Prinze, Jr.! Come on, now. He can’t be that bad on ACCIDENT! Being that bad takes the work of a true fucking GENIUS.

No matter where you are, there’s gonna be some thing. Put the same crowd in Paducah, Kentucky and they’re gonna expounding the finer points of squirrel huntin’ and they’ll trade their John Edwards bumper stickers for these.

It takes a lot of fucking effort to figure out who is who, and Murray doesn’t have the patience. Alot of people can sound really intelligent for five minutes, and you keep pressing until they go all “OH MY GOD! Still with the talky-talky! I should be in your pants by NOW! I have to go call my agent.” If someone asks you if you like sushi as one of the first questions they ask you, HEAD THE OTHER fucking way. I can think of 13765 qualities that are more important to me than a person’s taste for raw fish.

Make a list of red flag questions yourself. Now leave me the fuck alone.