Dear Murray

Dear Murray,
I volunteer at Much Love Animal Shelter, I am a devout vegan and I don’t believe in the death penalty, but something happened tonight that shook me to the bone. I don’t know what happened. I think my feral animal nature over-rode my animal-loving nature, but today I saw a mouse crawl into my recycling bin and I didn’t rescue him from the lake of stale beer at the bottom. Not only did I allow him to nearly drown, but I let him get inebriated to the point where he was unable to run from my pit bull terrier. Fortunately, i was cooking bacon and my dog was distracted to the point where her natural mousing instinct was scrambled…
do I save the bacon grease? Or the drunken mouse?

Christ. Does this ever remind me of something that happened to me. I was a vegetarian for 16 fucking years, and I was living in this house on a hill with a buncha people. So, we got this mouse coming around. Took over like the fucking place was his own. Running to and fro, and all the housemates could do was fret about it. So we had the discussion, and they were all “i dunno… i don’t wanna kill the guy. i don’t want the bad karma…” HERE I AM the only motherfucking vegetarian in the household, screaming “KILL IT! KILL THE MOTHERFUCKER! KIIIIILLL IIIIT!”

Finally, we killed it, and were all happier for having done so.

Yeah, I gave up the vegetarianism. For what? Bacon. It was the gateway meat to sausage and pepperoni and chicken. It was only a matter of time. Lots of people told me I was a fucking hypocrite for being a vegetarian and wearing leather, but so fucking what? Of the many rights I have as a human being, the right to be a hypocrite is one that I hold very fucking dear. So kiss my motherfucking ass.

So, who gives a fuck? You’re cooking bacon for your dog but won’t let him eat a fucking mouse? That’s in fucking direct defiance of nature. Dogs may catch and eat a mouse, but when do you see a dog pull down a fucking pig and start gnawing on it looking for its pork rinds?

Just let the dog have the mouse and keep the bacon for yourself.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Dear Murray

My dog is sick. What should I do? I don’t live by any veterinarians or animal hospitals. The doctors at the regular human hospital won’t even look at him. He has a fever and he hurts when he walks and he won’t eat and he has a temperature. What advice do you have for me?

Sad about my dog,
Crys

I knew it was gonna come back and haunt me letting it out that Murray is a softie. Dogs are dumb, stupid, drooling, codependent animals. You won’t make Murray cry! Filthy, dirty, cat shit-eating beasts! Don’t look at me with those eyes!

If you really care about this dog, here’s what you do. You’re gonna need the following items: a giant serving platter with a lid, two oversized kitchen knives (the kind like you see on bugs bunny and shit), a red and white checkered bib, and a few condiments (see Anonymous in Koreatown to find out what goes good with dog). I want you to put the dog on the platter, cover him, and walk into the closest hospital emergency room. Put the bib on, pull out the knives and rub them together like you’re sharpening them. Then take the lid off the platter. By now, someone should have asked “what the fuck are you doing???????” to which you can reply “HE’S SICK, SO I HAS TO EAT HIM!”

You’ll be amazed at how quickly they’ll find a veterinarian. Now leave me the fuck alone.