Dear Murray:

I have been getting the urge lately to fucking punch my boyfriend in the face. What should I do? Punch the fuck out of him or tell him how i feel in a nice calm way.. even though I ask him OVER AND OVER AND OVER again to just pay attention to the little things he does that piss me off?

About to knock some teeth out,
Mike Tyson, Jr.

Alright. Here’s where mothabitches piss me off. IF YOU’VE GOT A PROBLEM with a mothafucka, TELL THEM. Tell them early. Tell them often. LOOK MOTHAFUCKA, don’t do that shit. If you keep it up, I’m gonna stab your goddamned eyeball.

It’s simple enough. Then people can adjust. They know what to expect. You can’t hold all that shit in. My ex wouldn’t bring up a goddamned thing until it was bothering her so much that it couldn’t be fixed. Things like OH GOD, WHEN YOU BREATHE, I WANT TO KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP! YOU KNOW WHAT? If you can’t fucking say something before it’s too late, you relinquish all rights to bitch. Put it in writing, put it on a plaque, needlepoint a big sign SPEAK NOW OR FOREVER SHUT YOUR FUCKIN TRAP.

So if you really have been telling him AS YOU SAY you have, and he continues, then by all means. You have every right to pop a mothafucka in his jaw. And I don’t mean just saying “stop”. “Stop” has no effect on dudes. Try something like “if you don’t fucking stop, I will cut your dick off and feed it to you on a kaiser roll.”

Otherwise, SHUT YOUR FUCKIN TRAP and leave me the fuck alone.