First-Class Whining | Dear Murray

Category Archives: First-Class Whining

In case of DICK, break glass

May 7, 2008 – 11:27 am

Dear Murray -

I am in love. It is honestly the most healthy open relationship I’ve ever been in, and he treats me better than I could have ever expected. But I have issues(who doesn’t?). he has a lot of friends who are girls, he always has…I was one of them at one point. it makes me so jealous….and all of them bother me. from the ones I know and am friends with, to the ones I haven’t met yet, to his myspace friends who live on the other side of the world. my problem isn’t even that I don’t trust him, I don’t trust other girls. I’m a girl, I know how we can be…and it’s not pretty. I know I’m being silly to an extent, but I can’t seem to move past this. I don’t know what to do!

overly jealous

Well, damn. Why don’t you just keep him in a pet cage? Ain’t it possible for women and men to just be friends? You think dudes would just bang their women friends? HELL YES THEY WOULD!

What keeps it from happening? WELL QUITE OBVIOUSLY it’s the women! No doubt the vast majority of male/female friendships haven’t crossed that line because the WOMAN hasn’t said YES. Yet.

So how do you keep it from happening? You’re doing the right thing. Make friends with the female friends. Get to know them, make them adore you. If that don’t make ya feel secure, instill a general sense of GREAT INSTABILITY. Scare the fuck outta them. Carry a switchblade comb. Hell, carry a switchblade, too. Accidentally pull out the blade and start to comb your hair with it.

I always liked to befriend the female friends of girls I dated. Know why? NOBODY TALKS SHIT LIKE A PISSED OFF BEST GIRLFRIEND! No need to go searching for what went wrong! Sooner or later, she’s gonna piss off her best girlfriend and you’re gonna get a fuckin’ earful! You’re gonna learn that bitch wears false teeth ’cause she’s lost all of her teeth but FOUR! You’re gonna get so disgusted, you’re not gonna even give a shit about why she dumped you anymore.

If they are making you so jealous, yo’ ass must be feeling insecure. So just what you feeling so goddamned insecure about? One of them hoochies got a better car? Better job? Bigger tits? Better at oral sex? None of those really mean that fucking much. (With the exception of that last one, which commands universal consideration).

Maybe your ass has been through hell and back, but what really matters is does it feel right? That shit is unexplainable, but it trumps everything. Can we have just as much fun watching goddamned antenna tv as we can going to fuckin Disneyland? We just want this shit to be as easy as possible. That’s what matters to us. That and a killer BJ, and we’re yours forever. Oh, and we don’t wanna hear any bitching about our friends.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

By Dear Murray | Comments (1)

Decision time: move in with the family, or blow my fucking head off

December 27, 2007 – 12:43 pm

Dear Murray

Here’s my dilemma: Currently my life is okay. I’m 24, earned a Bachelor’s degree, have a job which I don’t mind too much that pays well and live with my family while I’m paying off my student loans (under 10K). However, as much as I love my parents and my brother, sometimes I would rather put a fork in my eye than be there. Additionally, I’m constantly travelling for socialization, for gigs (I’m a musician) and just to get out. Therefore, I was wondering if it might be more-cost effective and sanity-inducing to just bite the bullet and move out. The problem, though, is that I’m indecisive. If I move out, I might just want to move to a different city, somewhere closer to the ocean. But I’m just beginning to develop interesting relationships with the musicians in this town. Plus, I can’t manage my money to save my life.

What should I do?

Fondly,
is the grass really greener?

Moving back in with the parents. Nothing like it. I did that once. Never fucking again. Nothing like ma treating your ass like you’re 15 all over again. “Murray, you gotta do this and you gotta do that and how come you don’t have a girlfriend? ARE YOU GAY? Listen, I know this nice girl I can fix you up with. She had gonorrhea, but don’t tell her I told you that.” Thanks, ma. Always looking out for me!

Hell, I just spent several days with my family, so this shit is all fresh in my mind. It took everything I’ve got not to strangle the living shit out of every single one of my family members on Christmas Eve.

I’m a firm believer in focusing on what you want and going after it. If you don’t fucking at least try, you’ll have nothing but a bunch of what ifs. I was talking to this dude once in a bar in a small Midwestern town. He was going on and on about how he wanted to be a musician more than anything. “So why don’t you move the fuck out of this little town where you can pursue your dreams?” “naaaaahhh… i like it here.” It dawned on me. People like to talk about all the shit that they wanna do in life, but they’re too fucking petrified to just do it. I quit my job two days later, and I was out of the midwest within 3 weeks.

So, what’s it gonna be? You gonna talk shit or do shit?

Now leave me the fuck alone.