His cheatin’ heart (is only a sign of how much he cares)

Dear Murray

i’ve been dating this guy for about a year now, and a friend recently told me that he’s been cheating on me. everything has been great so far, but i know this friend wouldn’t lie to me. how can i confront him about this?
-brokenhearted in burbank

Jesus creeping Christ, could you be any more annoying? You’d best be prepared for some serious bullshit, ’cause that’s what you’re about to encounter. I once caught this ex cheating, and when she finally confessed, she said “it only made me realize that I wanted you more.” MY STUPID ASS fell for it, and you know what? The next time made her want me even more. The next time still more. Christ, by the time I dumped that woman, her entire days must have been entirely dedicated to banging other dudes and wanting me.

Now I’m not gonna say you can’t forgive him, but if yo’ stupid ass just lets this slide, you’re issuing a license for him to do it again and again and again.

So if that turns ya on, then shut up and leave me the fuck alone.