Dear Murray

Dear Murray

I’ve heard rumors about how masturbating can make you weak. I’ve heard how athletes abstain from sexual activity prior to a game because it drains their energy or adversely affects their stamina. Is there any truth to the rumor that either getting some, or beating your meat can adversely affect athletic performance?
-Petered Outin Pennsylvania

Lemme tell ya about my FAVORITE RELIGION: Tantra. Aww yeah. I don’t mean in one of those “hey, i’ll go to a workshop and learn how to tickle you with a feather” bullshit kinda ways. Any religion that believes that the fastest way to heaven is through mutual sexual bliss is THE RIGHT FUCKING DOGMA FOR ME!

They believe that men lose vitality through ejaculation, so they just learn how not to. Instead of shooting it out, they direct it inward. FUCKIN’ COOL. On the other hand, there are the practitioners of black Tantra. The whole point of it is to absorb energy from others through sex, and claim it as your own. SEXUAL PIRATES. I’ve been with one of these sexual pirates before, and while it was COOL, I could barely walk for a fucking week. It’s no fucking coincidence that the French call it la petit mort. The little death. It takes alot out of you IF YOU’RE DOING IT RIGHT.

Now that I’ve rambled, let me say… this is a dumb fucking question. Would you rather have sex or play basketball?

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Dear Murray

I have a friend is just in love with a guy from the East Coast. She’s married, but soon to be not. The two of them have recently decided to get a little closer, starting with the possiblity of a move. He is free to go wherever he wants, she, on the other hand is not. Family issues keep her where she is. He is considering the move to her, which is a completely different way of life, and total culture shock. Is it really fair to ask someone to do that for another with no promises of commitment?
~ someone in the armpit of America

Goddamn, that ain’t love, that’s fucking INSANITY. Going from the east coast to mid-america ain’t just culture shock, it’s fucking electrocution. So, let’s look at the pros and cons of moving to the Bible belt.

PRO: You can pretty much smoke anywhere you want, including Burger King, even if you work there, and while you’re making sammiches.

well, ok. that’s the only pro.

CON: The weekend hotspot is APPLEBY’S. HAHAHAHAHA.

CON: He’ll soon learn to distinguish between the smell of cow shit and the smell of pig shit, and I dunno about you, but that’s the kinda fucking knowledge I DON’T NEED.

CON: At some point in his life, he’s gonna have a best friend named JUNIOR and JUNIOR is gonna be missing some teeth. Maybe all of his teeth.

CON: The most exciting time of the year is THE COUNTY FAIR.

So, there ya have it. Explain the pros and cons to that mothafucka, and if he still decides to go, and it doesn’t work out, then he pretty much deserves what he gets. Now leave me the fuck alone.

Dear Murray

I’ve been with my bf for 5 years. I’ve outgrown the relationship and don’t know how to tell him. He has a college degree and is working in retail (not even a manager, wtf!?) and wants to hang out with his friends all the time.
He doesn’t make me a priority–when we spend time together, we do the same shit (eat out, watch tv, go to a movie), and half the time, we don’t even talk.
We’ve spoken about marriage and kids and a house, and he doesn’t seem geared towards it at all. He’s stuck, and I’m not willing to stick around and wait to see if he grows up. I refuse to wait till my tits are by my knees to realize that he’s never going to change, but every time I leave him, he comes blubbering at my door like he’s going to die without me.
What do I do? How can I get rid of him without feeling like a miserable human being?
–Signed, Waiting to Engage

Oh hell. Maybe this dude is really turned on by retail. I know people like that. I was working in an unnamed retail store in college (Target) and this woman calls me to offer me my first “real job”. So this woman says to me “what are you doing?” I tell her “I’m knee deep in batteries.” “Oooh!” she says. “Sounds kinky!” BITCH IF A PILE OF C BATTERIES SOUNDS KINKY TO YOU YOU’RE FUCKING DOING IT WRONG!

So speak to this motherfucker in his own language. “BLUE LIGHT SPECIAL IN THE HALL RIGHT NOW: YOU + ALL YOUR SHIT! thank you, come again.” hahaha.

Fuck that shit. You wanna eat at the Green Burrito 3 nights a week for the rest of your life? “How’d you like THAT movie?” “I liked it. You?” “It was ok.”

If the sex is half that lame… well, shit. That’s another blog entirely.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Dear Murray

if two people are having incredible sex, enjoying themselves immensely (sexually and otherwise), and in generally just being happy, how do they carry on? as a couple? as singletons? should they date other people? should they not, but not commit all the same? how shoudl they behave? like wanton bunnies? like bff? help!
love,
-two good sex havers

Oh, some fuckin problem you’re having. there are people with much bigger problems than the two of yous. you know why? there are people out there having this very same dilemma right now, and they are having LOUSY sex! fucking lousy ass oops OH GOD SOMEONE MADE A PUDDLE sex.

so if you want me to feel sorry for someone, well, it’s not them, either. i’m not gonna feel pity for a lousy lay. christ. there oughtta be a refund line. keep your receipts!

10/30/07
Del Taco
———
$2.39 nachos
$0.99 taters
$1.29 soda
-$0.00 amazing sex discount (n/a)
_________
=$4.67 YOUR ASS OWES ME!

fuck. quit worrying about stupid shit, count your blessings 69 ways and LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.

Dear Murray

By the end of the show (and he wasn’t drunk…we matched drink for drink) he was putting his arm around me. Weird. After we had sex (at his house…kind of weird) he threw on his clothes almost immediately and ushered me out the door. Needless to say, I let him in on my displeasure. I would understand if it was the first time I had been in his bedroom at his parents’ house, but it wasn’t. And the other times (we didn’t have sex) he would try to prevent me from leaving. And a while back we had a discussion about “just fucking” someone, and he had asked me (as if he were horrified about the idea) if I would ever just kick him out of bed after sex. Yet that’s just what he did. He told me that’s not what he meant, but how the fuck else should I take it? When I told him last night that it made me feel pretty fucking cheap, he was adamant that it was not his intent. I was still pretty pissed off and feeling like a fool, so I left. Before I drove off I told him, “I understand what this is.” I’ve been back and forth, here and away from the computer, but he seems to have been present an awful lot tonight, yet he doesn’t acknowledge my existence online. Then again, that’s nothing new. But I would think that he might actually try to contact me, seeing as how we left off last night. Fucking hell. I think that if he calls me tomorrow or Saturday and tries to act like nothing happened, I’ll play along. I’ll bring him home Saturday night and I’ll fuck him and then I’LL jump out of bed, not say a word and just throw MY fucking clothes on. And take him home. See how HE likes it.

Hiss Hiss ROAR. I should just take it that he is really not too swift and he didn’t know how it was coming off. We were both tired and needed to wake up early this morning. Oh well.
-confused in cincinnatti

theeeeeese fooolish gaaaaames… are teeeearing meeeee apaaaart.

So, wait a minute. You’re pissed off at him, and you’re going to give him sex? Jesus christ. Where can my readers find a girl like you? I guarantee they can piss you off every day of the week. You’re perpetuating that shit, then ya gotta go ask murray what to do. Someone wrote a song about this:

The wheels on the bus go round and round,
round and round,
round and round.
The wheels on the bus go round and round,
all through the town…

The baby on the bus says “Wah, wah, wah;
Wah, wah, wah;
Wah, wah, wah”.
The baby on the bus says “Wah, wah, wah”,
all through the town.

Sound familiar?

Now leave me the fuck alone.