Dear Murray

Dear Murray -

overly jealous

Well, damn. Why don’t you just keep him in a pet cage? Ain’t it possible for women and men to just be friends? You think dudes would just bang their women friends? HELL YES THEY WOULD!

What keeps it from happening? WELL QUITE OBVIOUSLY it’s the women! No doubt the vast majority of male/female friendships haven’t crossed that line because the WOMAN hasn’t said YES. Yet.

So how do you keep it from happening? You’re doing the right thing. Make friends with the female friends. Get to know them, make them adore you. If that don’t make ya feel secure, instill a general sense of GREAT INSTABILITY. Scare the fuck outta them. Carry a switchblade comb. Hell, carry a switchblade, too. Accidentally pull out the blade and start to comb your hair with it.

I always liked to befriend the female friends of girls I dated. Know why? NOBODY TALKS SHIT LIKE A PISSED OFF BEST GIRLFRIEND! No need to go searching for what went wrong! Sooner or later, she’s gonna piss off her best girlfriend and you’re gonna get a fuckin’ earful! You’re gonna learn that bitch wears false teeth ’cause she’s lost all of her teeth but FOUR! You’re gonna get so disgusted, you’re not gonna even give a shit about why she dumped you anymore.

If they are making you so jealous, yo’ ass must be feeling insecure. So just what you feeling so goddamned insecure about? One of them hoochies got a better car? Better job? Bigger tits? Better at oral sex? None of those really mean that fucking much. (With the exception of that last one, which commands universal consideration).

Maybe your ass has been through hell and back, but what really matters is does it feel right? That shit is unexplainable, but it trumps everything. Can we have just as much fun watching goddamned antenna tv as we can going to fuckin Disneyland? We just want this shit to be as easy as possible. That’s what matters to us. That and a killer BJ, and we’re yours forever. Oh, and we don’t wanna hear any bitching about our friends.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Dear Murray

Here’s my dilemma: Currently my life is okay. I’m 24, earned a Bachelor’s degree, have a job which I don’t mind too much that pays well and live with my family while I’m paying off my student loans (under 10K). However, as much as I love my parents and my brother, sometimes I would rather put a fork in my eye than be there. Additionally, I’m constantly travelling for socialization, for gigs (I’m a musician) and just to get out. Therefore, I was wondering if it might be more-cost effective and sanity-inducing to just bite the bullet and move out. The problem, though, is that I’m indecisive. If I move out, I might just want to move to a different city, somewhere closer to the ocean. But I’m just beginning to develop interesting relationships with the musicians in this town. Plus, I can’t manage my money to save my life.

What should I do?

Fondly,
is the grass really greener?

Moving back in with the parents. Nothing like it. I did that once. Never fucking again. Nothing like ma treating your ass like you’re 15 all over again. “Murray, you gotta do this and you gotta do that and how come you don’t have a girlfriend? ARE YOU GAY? Listen, I know this nice girl I can fix you up with. She had gonorrhea, but don’t tell her I told you that.” Thanks, ma. Always looking out for me!

Hell, I just spent several days with my family, so this shit is all fresh in my mind. It took everything I’ve got not to strangle the living shit out of every single one of my family members on Christmas Eve.

I’m a firm believer in focusing on what you want and going after it. If you don’t fucking at least try, you’ll have nothing but a bunch of what ifs. I was talking to this dude once in a bar in a small Midwestern town. He was going on and on about how he wanted to be a musician more than anything. “So why don’t you move the fuck out of this little town where you can pursue your dreams?” “naaaaahhh… i like it here.” It dawned on me. People like to talk about all the shit that they wanna do in life, but they’re too fucking petrified to just do it. I quit my job two days later, and I was out of the midwest within 3 weeks.

So, what’s it gonna be? You gonna talk shit or do shit?

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Dear Murray

I met the nicest guy, and all I can think about is “oh, how cute. He won’t last long.” What is wrong with me?!

PS Well, the cock MIGHT be nice, I just dunno if I want it hanging around too long (no pun intended, I assure you)

Whoever said nice guys don’t win hasn’t been fucking reading Dear Murray lately. The nice guys are getting ALL the fuckin action up in this place. Are you people taking notes? MURRAY IS A NICE GUY, TOO! Can’t ya fucking tell? And I’m getting freaky more than R. Kelly at a middle school dance.

The problem is this. I hear women tell me all the fucking time “I want a guy to treat me nice. I’m tired of so-and-so doing this-and-that.” Shut the fuck up already. If you’re tired of mothafuckas treating you like shit, dump the fucker already. It’s that fucking easy. It’s much easier to dump that motherfucker than to remove my boot tread from your cheek. Because if you keep whining to me about it, that’s what’s gonna fucking happen. It’s a simple equation. If you date an asshole, and he continues to be an asshole, and you stay, then YOU LIKE ASSHOLES. ACCEPT IT. Take yoga if you have to in order to deal with it. BECOME ONE with the universe of being an asshole-lover.

Oh, right. Nice guys. Just tell the motherfucker up front. It’s really not hard to say “i can’t deal with anything serious.” “I just wanna hang out and have sex.” Shit like that is golden. Trying to interpret signs and actions is fucking annoying. When you keep silent out of trying to spare someone’s feelings, you’re fucking up yourself and the other person. I guarantee if you tell him exactly what’s up, he will go for it in a fucking heartbeat.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Dear Murray

Just recently, I have broken up with a long-term boyfriend due to issues we could not work out. However, we became very close with another couple while dating. Since the break up, the couple has been distant and awkward around me, although I never speak about the ex or the breakup. I told them I do not want them in the middle, so I never bring up the subject b’c I respect that they are still friends with him. They had a party, however, I did not attend because the ex was going to be there, and didn’t want to feel uncomfortable or cause drama. So instead of them having to pick, I just bowed out. Since this incident, the guy has been very upset with me. I have never cared much for him, however, he’s very controlling with his girlfriend and fear he will make her break our friendship. What do you suggest I do?
-torn in tinseltown

TELL ME IF I’m reading between the lines here correctly, but… “very close” means partner-swapping, don’t it? Now they cutting you off, ’cause you’re de-partnered and then someone’s gonna get jealous? Um. Are you all like 17 or something? Christ. I’ve slept upstairs at the home of my ex-wife and her new husband, and I really couldn’t give a shit what they were doing. Better him than me, ya know?

So then, if you pick weak friends who do whatever their boyfriend tells them to, then you’re pretty much fucked from the start. Ya know what Murray would tell her? To borrow a line from my favorite comic: Now get the fuck out! Go clean your huz-bins asshole or something!!

Maybe you’re just jealous that you can’t do the same any longer.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Dear Murray

when i was 11 i started getting these visits every month. my insides begin spilling and i need to plug myself with them cotton/rayon blends they call tampons.

Less Absorbing

Date won’t go there when the river’s flowin’, eh? I would trade bleeding a few days a month for the freedom of mouth that comes with it. Seriously, you fucking have license during PMS to say whatever the fuck you want, and everyone else is supposed to dismiss it. OH GOD I WANNA CUT OFF YOUR DICK AND MAKE PIGS IN BLANKETS FROM IT–whoops, sorry, PMS. teehee. I want that kinda freedom! Shit, if you think Murray’s a wiseasshole now, just you wait! Put my cranky, bloated ass in line at the DMV and we’re gonna see some motherfuckin’ shit go down! OH LISTEN TO ME BITCH! YOU GONNA TAKE MY PHOTO AGAIN AND YOU’RE GOOONNA MAKE ME PRETTY! NO YOU DID-NT!

Ahh, fuck. Why you want it to stop? You trying to put up some pleasant front and shit? Fuck that, that ain’t real. Just grab your date by the ears and say something like IF YOU TALK ABOUT YOUR EX ONE MORE TIME I’m gonna wedge the apple from your martini in your fuckin’ anus! ‘Cause that shit is real. Guys like real.

Now leave me the fuck alone.