Dear Murray

Dear Murray

What are your thoughts on prostitution? Should it be legalized or not? It sucks having to go all the way to Tijuana to get some easy ass.
-Horny in Hollywood

Lemme tell ya, it’s a sad fucking cuntry we live in when you can sell your soul, but you can’t sell your ass. So, let’s combine these two pasttimes, why don’t we? First, we legalize prostitution. Then, we can regulate it, tax it, and make sure the hookers are clean. Then, we take that motherfucker to Wall Street. That’s right. Whores, Inc., is gonna be the fucking biggest IPO ever to hit. Fuckers are gonna go crazy when our ticker symbol comes across the screen:

HO +45.23I CAN BUY THAT NEW HOUSE! Sure, it’s gonna have its ups and downs: condom shortages, natural drop in consumer demand right after xmas, but hell. I think the most beautiful thing I can ever imagine would be a buncha motherfucking suits running around freaking the fuck out. OH MY GOD! CHLAMYDIA OUTBREAK! WHORES ARE DOWN! SELL! SELL! SEEEEELLLLLLLLLLL! That’s like xmas, the 4th of July, and Bastille Day all rolled into one, right there.We launch Jan. 1. Now leave me the fuck alone.

Dear Murray

i just moved to LA from Dayton, Ohio and I have noticed that I am having problems getting laid. Telling them about my 80′s theme band “Pink Rock Glitter” doesn’t seem to impress them, and all I can afford is a damaged rental car from this werid pakistani guy on Cahuenga Blvd. I am wondering now if it’s a good idea to tell them that I am a nude photograper, because that should get me laid, right? Now my question is: How do I get started? I have no experience. Any ideas?
-shutterbug

Jesus H. fucking Malmsteen Christ. I thought Great White did away with all of you a couple years back.

In fact, I still have a copy of the newspaper:

First of all, you should get your band all together in one place, pile your instruments in a pile in the middle of the floor, remove all of your leather and feather boas, and place them on top. Now, instead of doing what the five of you would NORMALLY do when faced with this situation, I want you to set fire to your pile. Problem 1: solved.

Here’s the secret to getting women to pose nude for you: you have to pay them. Lots. The hell did you get the idea that they gonna just drop their panties ’cause you got a zoom lens? You’re gonna have to work three jobs just to support this hobby. besides, buddy. i read craigslist, too. the word is out. your lens ain’t zoom.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Dear Murray

i am a germany born eastern european female in my mid 20s, medium blonde with green blue eyes.I watch all those cool videos on MTV with 50 cent and now I want to start wearing doorags, so I can fit in. Do you think the bruthaz will notice if that am not really black? Please help!
-c-dawg from da BH hood

You think the world hasn’t noticed that Michael Jackson isn’t black? This is a tough question for me, since I know you’ve built your entire vernacular from years of watching Yo! MTV Raps! but I’m up for the challenge. As I said before, Murray grew up in the hood. As much of a hood as there could be in the smaller town I was from. If you wanna impress black people, I learned a little secret. Be yourself. Just because you watched Roots don’t mean that you can relate to “mah peeps”. They’re not gonna care about how you “kicked it on Magnolia in the Burbank hoods back in the day.” So give it up. If you need a look to fit in somewhere, lemme suggest you model yourself after these guys. You’ll fit right in.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Dear Murray:

One of the unfortunate things about LA is that everyone’s a fucking “actor”. They walk alike… they talk alike… they’ve assimilated into a single collective genius. So, how does one find a true opinion in this condition? How do you separate the affected from the affectation? It’s become draining to hear “Bush is evil” from people who can’t tell you why or, alternatively, offer a parroted, pirated version of something they heard on NPR.

Yours truly,

clichéd and equally pretentious eastsider

It’s so fucking hard to separate the actors from the “actors”. I blame reality TV. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard someone say “I don’t need classes, you either got it or you don’t”. All art, people, be it writing, acting, painting, is 10% talent, and 90% hard fucking work. There are fewer and fewer genuine actors (a fine, fine art) left in this world. Give me Sean Penn, give me Edward Norton, give me Freddy Prinze, Jr.! Come on, now. He can’t be that bad on ACCIDENT! Being that bad takes the work of a true fucking GENIUS.

No matter where you are, there’s gonna be some thing. Put the same crowd in Paducah, Kentucky and they’re gonna expounding the finer points of squirrel huntin’ and they’ll trade their John Edwards bumper stickers for these.

It takes a lot of fucking effort to figure out who is who, and Murray doesn’t have the patience. Alot of people can sound really intelligent for five minutes, and you keep pressing until they go all “OH MY GOD! Still with the talky-talky! I should be in your pants by NOW! I have to go call my agent.” If someone asks you if you like sushi as one of the first questions they ask you, HEAD THE OTHER fucking way. I can think of 13765 qualities that are more important to me than a person’s taste for raw fish.

Make a list of red flag questions yourself. Now leave me the fuck alone.

Dear Murray

I’m in a band, and lately I haven’t had any time for anything. I never have enough time to sleep. I’ve been thinking of quitting the band, and I need a diplomatic way to let them know.

Carl

The truth there, buddy, is your band could really care less. You’re only in the band because you have a van and they need someone to haul their shit around. You think it was a coincidence that the same day they let you in the band, you had to help the singer move from Hollywood to Silverlake? Also, why do you think they light you that way at your shows? I hate to break it to you, but pitch blackness is not “artistic lighting”.

Now leave me the fuck alone.