Bush unveils plan to fight Southern California wildfires

By Dear Murray Associated Pests President Bush on Friday revealed his administration’s plan to quell the raging wildfires that have spread throughout Southern California. “In short,” Bush said with a smug grin, “drop New Orleans on it.” “I’ve spoken to the people of Malibu, and I feel for them. So, I thought to myself, ‘what puts out fires? Water!’ Where can I get lots of water? It was a pretty …continue…

An open letter to my stalkers, you suck

Dear Murray Does it mean a guy is stalking you when he calls over 100 times in one day? -Scared in Scarborough Let’s not rush to judgement just yet. Maybe he’s prone to seizures and/or assdialing his cell phone. That many assdials in one day would lead me to believe that’s quite a large and talented ass, though, so that may not be likely. MAYBE HE JUST HAS A PRESENT …continue…

Coffee? Never ask me about my coffee

Dear Murray Last time I checked I wasn’t a dog. So this morning after going to the same place ive been going for coffee for a month now, and after ordering the same drink for a month now, I decide to spice things up and order something different. I believe i have that right as a tax payer. Anywho, we’ll call her “Holly”. HOlly seemed extremely put out by me …continue…