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An open letter to my stalkers, you suck

Dear Murray

Does it mean a guy is stalking you when he calls over 100 times in one day?
-Scared in Scarborough

Let’s not rush to judgement just yet. Maybe he’s prone to seizures and/or assdialing his cell phone. That many assdials in one day would lead me to believe that’s quite a large and talented ass, though, so that may not be likely. MAYBE HE JUST HAS A PRESENT FOR YOU AND WANTS TO SURPRISE YOU! He just wants to show you the wedding dress he bought you! Hell, I just got an email from my stalker I thought had abandoned me. It’s been 7 months since I replied to an email, and this is the best she can come up with: boo! Mornin S* u good? OH COME ON. Murray is worth so much more than THAT. How the fuck do you respond to that? How’s this? ahh. you scared me. no, really, you scared me, and it sure the fuck wasn’t the “boo”. now fuck off.

Christ. I need more articulate stalkers. If yours has half the vernacular of a fuckin fruit fly, I’ll take them off your hands.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Categories: General Malaise

Dear Murray

Dear Murray a tasty, tasty bitch beloved and feared by hordes of basement-dwelling illiterati and their fierce antagonists, the Grammar Nazis. He single-handedly turned the webcam whorefest of Myspace into a lively commerce of ideas, including whether or not the TUBGIRL photo will ever be topped as a postmodern expression of the inexpressible. According to web historians, he has inspired more photoshop projects and syphilis jokes than Britney Spears (who he has been repeatedly linked romantically to). He is also rumoured to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby, a disciple of Cliff Yablonski, and the second gunman on the grassy knoll. Although he could not be reached for comment, he reportedly resides in or near the tent cities along the LA River Basin, third right after the walrus sunning station.

He has vehemently denied all charges that he is any any way responsible for that rash your wife claims "is from the heat".

His primary function is doling out advice; the inspiration sprang from an endless and eventually dull repetition of fucktards failed to heed his words.

A secondary result is a dysfunctional family "round table" of people who contribute innumerable one-liners and personal experiences, rarely related in any way to the actual question.

It is estimated that tens of thousands of readers have "LOL'd" approximately 5,395,645,694,167,467,105 times, with the toll expected to rise.

He is immune to kryptonite, chlamydia, and brainwashing.

Wikipedia has banned PENCILTITS's entry, debating the relevance of his tasty bitchiness.