An open letter to my stalkers, you suck

Dear Murray

Does it mean a guy is stalking you when he calls over 100 times in one day?
-Scared in Scarborough

Let’s not rush to judgement just yet. Maybe he’s prone to seizures and/or assdialing his cell phone. That many assdials in one day would lead me to believe that’s quite a large and talented ass, though, so that may not be likely. MAYBE HE JUST HAS A PRESENT FOR YOU AND WANTS TO SURPRISE YOU! He just wants to show you the wedding dress he bought you! Hell, I just got an email from my stalker I thought had abandoned me. It’s been 7 months since I replied to an email, and this is the best she can come up with: boo! Mornin S* u good? OH COME ON. Murray is worth so much more than THAT. How the fuck do you respond to that? How’s this? ahh. you scared me. no, really, you scared me, and it sure the fuck wasn’t the “boo”. now fuck off.

Christ. I need more articulate stalkers. If yours has half the vernacular of a fuckin fruit fly, I’ll take them off your hands.

Now leave me the fuck alone.