Dear Murray

Dear Murray

Who are you aside from a crusty old bearded smoker with a penchant for flipping the double bird? You magnifacent bastard! Love the profile. Great shit

Doug

Murray is gay in San Francisco, black in South Africa… an anarchist in Spain… a Jew in Germany… an artist without a gallery or portfolio. Fuck. That’s Subcommandante Marcos, not Murray. Murray is a white boy who grew up in the ghetto with parents who “aren’t racist, we just don’t believe in MIXIN’.” Murray is tough on the outside, but all soft on the inside. Murray is not in the business of getting kittens out of trees. If you don’t let them find their own way down, they won’t fuckin know what to do next time, either. Murray won’t call you “around 9:00″. Murray will tell you he’ll call you at 9:17 and he’ll fucking do it.

Tell your friends. Now leave me the fuck alone.

Dear Murray:I have a problem I hope you can help me with. (hehe) I have epilepsy and.. My assfuck doctors keep putting me on medication after medication. It’s fucking with me, physically and emotionally. All these different meds cause shitty side effects. What should I say or do tell them to kiss my ass? I’m not above calling nasty names too!
Thanks for your expert advice, Michelle

I once thought I had epilepsy. Turned out, though, that I was just looking at too many Myspace profiles where everygoddamnedthing <3 WaS *TyPeD* LiKe ThIs <3

Look, quit the bitchin’ and take charge! What is the perfect compliment to epilepsy? It’s goddamned well about time you flavored that with a little TOURETTE’S! Let’s face it, if there’s one debilitating disease out there we’d all love to be diagnosed with, it’s FUCKINGPISSFUCKHEAD TOURETTE’S! Hell, I’ve been pickling my brain for a good 60 years now with Snacky Cakes trying to score myself a positive diagnosis.

Imagine the looks on their faces if you came at ‘em flailing AND cussing! Think Linda Blair in the Exorcist! Double up on the pea soup, just in time for Halloween!

Hell, at this point, I’ll bet the only thing wrong with you is the fact that you’re more jacked up on prescription drugs than Rush Limbaugh on a month-long Mexican hillbilly heroin binge!

Grab them motherfuckers by the balls and tell ‘em LUCIPHER COMMANDS YOU TO EAT THEIR BALLS, and they’ll get a hell of a lot more accurate with their prescription pad, I GUARANTEE IT.

Now leave me the piss hell whore sucking cockhead fuck alone!

Dear Murray:In about three weeks my 2nd child, a boy, is due to arrive. All is going well so far, and if ultrasounds are any indication, there’ll be 10 fingers and 10 toes.

There’ll also be something else … a foreskin !

It begs the question : Do we get him the ‘snip’ and have him circumcised, or leave it as nature intended ?

Me – I’m somewhat torn on the issue. Anatomically, I’m your proverbial ‘helmet’. And love it. However that only came about after an infection at three years old meant medical intervention was needed, otherwise I imagine I’d still have a foreskin. I have a few faint memories of hospital, but all in all I came through un-traumatised.

By the same token, I kind of agree with the philosophy that cutting of a boys foreskin to prevent infection is a bit like cutting of your big toe to avoid stubbing it ! Is it really that necessary ?

I’ve heard every opinion from family and friends already. I figure, may as well hear yours too. It’ll probably make more sense.

Regards – Captain Kickass

This is my covenant, which ye shall keep, between me and you and thy seed after thee; “Every man child among you shall be circumcized.”–Genesis 17:10

When l’il Murray, Jr. was about two, we were in the tub, and he was examining his penis. He got REAL interested in the difference between his little willy and mine. He sat there, squeezing it, making it pop out and retract. “You’ve gotta wash behind there.” He didn’t want any part of it. So, he points at mine and starts yelling “BROKE IT! GRAMMA BROKE IT! GRAMMA CUT IIIIT! HE CUT IT!” He was only two, so HE was his only personal pronoun. He may have just been onto something, with my mama being the symbolic Biblical HE. Regardless, he was right. GRAMMA BROKE MY DICK!

Why, Gramma, WHY? Forgive me for goin’ all Hitler, but I blame the JEWS. They invented this shit! Thousands of years ago, some old Jews said SNIP EM, now I’ve gotta live with no turtleneck for my blacksnake? Fuck the Jews! I want my foreskin back! Zieg heil!

There’s not much of a reason to do circumcisions anymore, unless you’re strictly adhering to the word of the Bible. Speaking of which, why would God give us a foreskin, then demand that we cut it off? That’s all fine and well now that we have sterile hospitals and all that, but back then, that required a visit to the butcher, and a chop with a rusty blade! WHY HAST THOU FORESAKEN MEEEEE!

Put it this way… there are two good reasons to get your son circumcized:

No. 1: If you plan for your son to be really filthy dirty. We’re talking Pigpen dirty. We’re talking smells like the asshole of Satan dirty. Come to think of it, Murray, Jr. has smelled like the asshole of Satan a few times (go wash yo’ ass, boy!), and he’s never had any infections down there. I realize YOURS got infected and all that, meanwhile, there are African bush tribes sleeping in huts and their little flesh calamari isn’t rotting away! People who have tons of bladder infections should probably get their shit snipped, since it’ll just be stewing in infected piss, and that’s bound to lead to nothing good. Just ask R. Kelly. But just because ONE can’t hang with the foreskin, you don’t take EVERYONE’s away!

No. 2: You already got plans to send the boy off to war? Something about wallowing around in mudholes with many, many men doesn’t set too well with the foreskin. Maybe it’s the not showering for however long you’re in combat or maybe it’s eating all that hard tack, nonetheless, the foreskin is a very likely casualty of war.

So there you go. If you’re shooting for one of those futures for the boy, get that shit snipped right after the doc smacks him on the ass.

Otherwise, fuck that shit. Don’t break the boy’s dick! If it gets infected and has to come off later, so be it. People go ahead and do the whole circumcision thing later because they have this idea that “it will hurt if he has it done later.” IT’LL FUCKIN HURT NOW! Welcome to the world! *SMACK!* *SNIP* HOLY HELL, THIS WORLD SUCKS, PUT ME BACK IIIIIN!

Say no to the ancient Jews!

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Dear Murray:The new terrorist threat: ladies who ground a flight over something so ignorant

Toilet Paper Dust Diverts Vegas-Bound Flight

All that time & money wasted to the shitter!
The fuel spent on the extra landing/take off. The paychecks of the law enforcement called, investigators, etc. The money spent on the airplane employees while they stood around waiting. Money wasted testing the substance at some lab. The money wasted on the transport of said substance. The time wasted of the travellers.

What about the lady who grounded a flight over not wanting to hear people speak in a non-english language?

Arabic Spoken? Plane Grounded.

I, personally, would consider this similar to placing a false call to the police and getting a fine for it. So dumb.

This is why we need IQ tests to be able to fly. We need one airline for people who just wanna get to where the fuck they’re going. Then, we need a separate motherfucking airline for all the dumb white trash, screaming babies, and that MOTHERFUCKER with the whining cat on the red eye from San Francisco to Pittsburgh. I’ll kill your pussy, stuff it with stale peanuts, and roast that shit up in the microwave if you don’t shut that feline up, motherfuckers!

HEY! Them are suspicious! Dey tawk fuh-nny! Captain! There is a terrorist on the wing of the plane! OH GOD HE’S GEE-HODDIN THE ENGINE! We’re all gonna DIIIIIEEE! AAAAHHHHHHH! Christ, when did these people start flying to go visit the LARGEST BALL OF MUD instead of just loading the family up in the Winnebago, like their fathers before them?

Holy shit we’re living in a fucked up place. Not that this country wasn’t full of morons before 9/11, but that day evidently gave them all some common rallying point to freak out, hoard some guns, and live in fear of everyone else.

Hell, just last week, the cops in Boston damn near shot some nerdy MIT teen who came into the airport wearing a shirt with a circuit board on it. Seriously, get a good look at that shit. It couldn’t have been any sillier if it had had the fucking Energizer Bunny strapped onto it:

And if you think that’s crazy, this woman was almost kicked off a flight just for being a ho:

I understand that bitch is loose and all, but she can’t be hiding more than 2-3 terrorists under that flimsy little outfit. Nothin to worry about, people!

So, the only option is to get all these fuckers their very own airline. Fly American Scarelines! Load ‘em all up, and let ‘em freak the fuck out about each other. Jack ‘em up on lots of caffeine, and point them toward the coordinates 4.815 162.342. Say hi to Hurley for me, fuckers.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Currently listening : Paranoid By Black Sabbath Release date: 25 October, 1990