Moving to Bum Fucking Nowhere for a Piece of Ass

Dear Murray

I have a friend is just in love with a guy from the East Coast. She’s married, but soon to be not. The two of them have recently decided to get a little closer, starting with the possiblity of a move. He is free to go wherever he wants, she, on the other hand is not. Family issues keep her where she is. He is considering the move to her, which is a completely different way of life, and total culture shock. Is it really fair to ask someone to do that for another with no promises of commitment?
~ someone in the armpit of America

Goddamn, that ain’t love, that’s fucking INSANITY. Going from the east coast to mid-america ain’t just culture shock, it’s fucking electrocution. So, let’s look at the pros and cons of moving to the Bible belt.

PRO: You can pretty much smoke anywhere you want, including Burger King, even if you work there, and while you’re making sammiches.

well, ok. that’s the only pro.

CON: The weekend hotspot is APPLEBY’S. HAHAHAHAHA.

CON: He’ll soon learn to distinguish between the smell of cow shit and the smell of pig shit, and I dunno about you, but that’s the kinda fucking knowledge I DON’T NEED.

CON: At some point in his life, he’s gonna have a best friend named JUNIOR and JUNIOR is gonna be missing some teeth. Maybe all of his teeth.

CON: The most exciting time of the year is THE COUNTY FAIR.

So, there ya have it. Explain the pros and cons to that mothafucka, and if he still decides to go, and it doesn’t work out, then he pretty much deserves what he gets. Now leave me the fuck alone.