Dyin’ to Jerk it

Dear Murray

I’ve heard rumors about how masturbating can make you weak. I’ve heard how athletes abstain from sexual activity prior to a game because it drains their energy or adversely affects their stamina. Is there any truth to the rumor that either getting some, or beating your meat can adversely affect athletic performance?
-Petered Outin Pennsylvania

Lemme tell ya about my FAVORITE RELIGION: Tantra. Aww yeah. I don’t mean in one of those “hey, i’ll go to a workshop and learn how to tickle you with a feather” bullshit kinda ways. Any religion that believes that the fastest way to heaven is through mutual sexual bliss is THE RIGHT FUCKING DOGMA FOR ME!

They believe that men lose vitality through ejaculation, so they just learn how not to. Instead of shooting it out, they direct it inward. FUCKIN’ COOL. On the other hand, there are the practitioners of black Tantra. The whole point of it is to absorb energy from others through sex, and claim it as your own. SEXUAL PIRATES. I’ve been with one of these sexual pirates before, and while it was COOL, I could barely walk for a fucking week. It’s no fucking coincidence that the French call it la petit mort. The little death. It takes alot out of you IF YOU’RE DOING IT RIGHT.

Now that I’ve rambled, let me say… this is a dumb fucking question. Would you rather have sex or play basketball?

Now leave me the fuck alone.