Dear Murray

dear murray:

-Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?

Ahh. Up and Down and Down and going down. CUT HER LOOSE? ARE YOU CRAZY? Why not just enjoy that shit? From the sounds of it, she’s being clear that she doesn’t want a relationship, BUT SHE HAS NO PROBLEM BANGING. So, what the hell?

It’s your duty as a man to ENJOY THAT SHIT. Free sex with no strings. If you’re friends, you ain’t gotta impress anyone by takin her out to fancy establishments like Starbucks and shit. It’s the perfect setup. It’s every man’s fuckin DREAM. We are ALL counting on you. Don’t let us down.

Look, you’re probably never gonna have a relationship with this chick, but keep a good thing going as long as you can. Can you push all the heart bullshit aside? If you can’t, you’d better listen to your friends. ‘Cause this shit ain’t going anywhere serious, and you’ll end up a weeping little mess. ‘Cause eventually, she’ll get tired of hearing romantical shit and cut the sex off, too.

AND THEN WHAT WILL YOU HAVE?

Sex is a right that none of us should ever be deprived of. So don’t fuckin deprive yourself of it when it’s right there in your face.

Murray’s counting on you. King Gonad is counting on you. George Clooney and Emmanuel Lewis are counting on you. EVEN THE GHOST OF FUCKIN’ MR. FRED ROGERS IS COUNTING ON YOU.

Make us all proud.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Dear Murray,

Sincerely,
Cat Box Buffet

I’m pretty damned sure that sexual harrassment thing works in cases where you cut off the booty line. I got some nasty ass woman fired for sexual harrassment once. She’d fucking come up behind me and start rubbing my shoulders and shit and say things like “you’re SO tense!” I fucking wonder why, creepy bitch!

But I digress. Where the fuck did you find this dude? Sex with zero strings. THAT’S EVERY DUDE’S FUCKING FANTASY! The perfect girl is cute, funny, loaded, and had only six months to live. Any longer than six months and you just start feeling dirty! Why can’t he fucking be happy? He’s got the cake, he’s eating it, too. Does he also want the buns in the fucking oven, as well?

That’s normally sure to scare any motherfucker away, but it might not do the trick with this mothafucka. I still suggest trying it, but be prepared. If you say “I want to have kids” and this motherfucka says “YES! ME TOO!” you’re gonna have to come back with “oh, i didn’t mean with you! hahaha! that’s cute.”

And if demasculating him don’t work, nothing works quite like a new fuck buddy. I will offer Gonad up for the greater good. He makes a damned good foil. He’s got better things to worry about than love, respect, blahblahblahblah.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Dear Murray

My boyfriend is obsessed with comic books and video games. Lately, I haven’t been getting any action at all. He stays up all hours of the night playing the X-box, and I go to bed early and alone. Do I have to smash the game into a million pieces? How can I turn his interest back to me?
-Alone in Atwater

Will you shut up until I finish this game? Fuck. You made me fucking lose, goddammit. I know the games can be addictive and all, but I find it hard to believe mothafuckas would rather play that shit than bang. Maybe TV really is rotting our fucking brains.

I think the most bizarre encounter I ever witnessed was in college. The internet was a tiny collection of geeks (such as myself) back then. I walked my girlfriend to her dorm, and walking back to mine, I went into the all night computer lab to check my email. It’s about 2 in the morning and I’m stoned out of my mind, but this giant hairy dude was having a conversation with another guy about MUDs. Multi-User Dungeons. It’s the geekiest thing ever invented. It’s like they combined a chat room with a game of Dungeons and Dragons. I only tried that shit once, and people kept coming in and out and I would try shit like “smacks you upside the head with his giant lingam” but apparently the cock swat doesn’t have much power in dweebland. So I witness this conversation:

hairy dude: i’m stuck in my game…
computer labbie dude: oh no
hairy dude: i need more disk space…
computer labbie dude: (looks around over his shoulders then whispers) be here at 7 a.m… i can get you 8 MEGS.

I just witnessed a motherfucking drug deal go down, where the drug equals disk space and the dealer and dealee equals two total gamer fags. Christ. It felt so dirty.

Does your boyfriend ever get so aroused that he jerks off to comics? If he’d rather do that shit than do you, there could be something serious going on there. So, give him a choice or drop the motherfucker. There are plenty of other fetishes out there.

Get yourself a nice boy who will wear your panties.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Dear Murray

Do guys prefer hair “down there” to be completely shaved or do they like a landing strip? Do men these days even like big 70′s bush anymore? By the way…are you circumsized? Inquiring minds wanna know.
Agatha
Kansas City, Ks.

Well, obviously, you’re on the Kansas side of the river, considering you gotta be ASKING this question. They trim that shit in MIZZOU!

Personally, I can’t think of any vaginal coifs that I’d go running from. No, wait. I just did. If you’ve cut that shit into a rat-tail vag mullet, keep it da fuck away from me! Gagged on one of those mothafuckas before! Never again!

Seriously, though, do whatever the fuck makes you feel good. Some women feel all dirty if they got a big fuckin’ topiary down there. If you’re dating a dude who refuses to go down there just ’cause there’s a little more hair than usual, then he oughtta consider being gay, ’cause he sure the fuck doesn’t like vagina ENOUGH. Shit.

Oh, and shit. Do you think it would even be possible for someone to harbor as much anger as me and not have been circumcized? Christ.

 Now leave me the fuck alone.

Dear Murray

So..here we go. I am leaving to move from va to the cheese state in a few and I currently am in a relatively new relationship – but its more complicated than that. I have been friends (and actually engaged) at previous points to this same person before.
I want to express the way I feel for him – the fact that I love him and to an extent dont want to move because I want to be with him – although I do realize that I am going to leave anyway.
Should I tell him that I love him although I will be leaving next month and that it could possibly “complicate” things later on – the whole us getting way too attached to each other only to be separated by lots of distance – I need help..what do you think?
-bleeding cheese heart

You need help, alright. You’ve been friends, you’ve dated, you’ve been engaged. A number of times. Give it up already. Are you 17 years old? It’s not fucking working. OK?

Here’s what’ll happen. You’ll continue on this codependent path of breaking up and getting back together. NOW THAT’S TRUE LOVE! In no time, you’ll find that like nine fucking years of your life have passed with this infantile bullshit, and you’re finally wise enough to move the fuck on with your lives. You’re never gonna reclaim those years.

How do I know this? Because that was me. Convinced I was living the love of my life, both of us clinging onto each other and not listening to a single motherfucker who told us differently.

I’d like to punch you dead in the fucking mouth right about now, because I’d be vicariously punching the younger me. Now chin up. This is gonna hurt me more than it’s gonna hurt you.

Now leave me the fuck alone.