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Goin to the Chapel, and We’re… Gonna Get Herpes

Dear Murray:

I need your help. I have this friend who has been in a relationship for about 10 years. They’ve been engaged for the past four years, but about a year ago, my friend got suspicious of her fiance and went through his wallet. She found out that he had been soliciting prostitutes. The next thing I knew, she had stepped up their wedding plans. All she could talk about was the wedding. Well, time goes by, and everything is all fine and dandy with their wedding plans, but then she was going through his email and found emails from where he’d been soliciting sex on craigslist ads. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen her, but we’re hanging out soon. What should I tell her? I don’t want to make her mad at me, but should I tell her to dump the guy? Please help.

-Lost in Las Vegas

Well, first things first. Is your friend mildly retarded? Is she a codependent child of an alcoholic father? Self-esteem of a 13 year old with glasses, acne, AND braces?

There is a time for fighting for your true love and there is a time when you’re just a pathetic cling-on. THEY LOOK SO MUCH THE SAME.

Rushing the wedding plans? FUCK. He did it once, so she fucking thought she’d rush that shit and stake her claim on him, and it would all work out fine. Hubby would settle down and not cruise for $20 BJs no more no more. Ain’t gonna cruise no more. Good fucking luck. I’ve never solicited a prostitute myself, but I got a feeling that shit is like crack. Once you cross that fucking line into paying for hookers, you can’t get enough! Hell, you pick her up, do the business, kick her out of your car. Obviously, this mothafucka can’t exactly afford the hooker lovin lifestyle, so he’s turned to craigslist where he can get it for FREE.

And your friend just keeps taking him back. Christ, I swear I saw this shit on Lifetime. She gets genital warts and then they have to go in with like a woodburning needle and burn half her cervix away and shit. She can never have babies and don’t we feel so sorry for her blahblahblah.

Grab her by the ears and tell her BITCH! HERPES WILL BE YOUR FRIEND FOREVER (lylas)! If she still can’t get a fucking clue, I suggest you write this one off, and find yourself some less pathetic friends.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Categories: Limp Dicks

Dear Murray

Dear Murray a tasty, tasty bitch beloved and feared by hordes of basement-dwelling illiterati and their fierce antagonists, the Grammar Nazis. He single-handedly turned the webcam whorefest of Myspace into a lively commerce of ideas, including whether or not the TUBGIRL photo will ever be topped as a postmodern expression of the inexpressible. According to web historians, he has inspired more photoshop projects and syphilis jokes than Britney Spears (who he has been repeatedly linked romantically to). He is also rumoured to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby, a disciple of Cliff Yablonski, and the second gunman on the grassy knoll. Although he could not be reached for comment, he reportedly resides in or near the tent cities along the LA River Basin, third right after the walrus sunning station.

He has vehemently denied all charges that he is any any way responsible for that rash your wife claims "is from the heat".

His primary function is doling out advice; the inspiration sprang from an endless and eventually dull repetition of fucktards failed to heed his words.

A secondary result is a dysfunctional family "round table" of people who contribute innumerable one-liners and personal experiences, rarely related in any way to the actual question.

It is estimated that tens of thousands of readers have "LOL'd" approximately 5,395,645,694,167,467,105 times, with the toll expected to rise.

He is immune to kryptonite, chlamydia, and brainwashing.

Wikipedia has banned PENCILTITS's entry, debating the relevance of his tasty bitchiness.