Dear Murray

Dear Murray

I was friends with this girl for a really long time and my best friend was in love with her a couple years ago.. She never liked him like that.. Just recently.. Starting a little over a month ago, we started hanging out more.. The whole group of us, and her and I started showing each other more attention(Honestly, she was the one in our group that didn’t get much attention, so I wanted to see if I could get her to like me by showering her with attention).. We grew closer and closer and it got to a point where I just needed to know what was going on, so I asked her how she felt about me and it turned out that she liked me as much as I liked her.. So, we went out on a ‘date.’ This is all behind the scenes because we don’t want any of the rest of our group to find out about any of it. On the date, we had a great time, and just before we left to come home, I kissed her. We kissed all the way home, and then went to my house and kissed all night long until like 4am. Later that week, we had lots and lots of sex. To this day, we’re still not officially “together,” but we still mess around. Ok, here’s the problem, I’m ready for all of this to end. I want to go back to being just friends. I don’t want a relationship with anyone right now. It’s nothing against her, I’ve just got too much going on in my life. However . . . She is in love with me. What am I supposed to do? I don’t want to hurt her. We talked about this in the beginning. I asked her if she thought that we’d be able to go back to being just friends, and she told me yes. But I really don’t feel that this is the case at this point. How do I go about at least starting the process of going back to being just friends, without breaking her heart? Is it even possible?

~dilemma in delaware

Oh, woe is you. This sounds like a fucking teen movie. Only, once you’ve built up the shy girl’s confidence and taken her glasses off and gotten her a makeover and start the banging, instead of running off to college together, you wanna dump her ass. FREDDIE PRINZE, JR. WOULDN’T DO THAT SHIT! Why the fuck didn’t ya think about this beforehand? It’s amazing how we can see all the signs for potential drama, and still we charge forward. Trust me, I’m no fucking exception.

I’m beginning to think we should draw up fuck buddy contracts. Cut out all the he said, she said bullshit. Microsoft could sell templates for it for MS Word, and make a mint.

If you talked about the shit in the beginning, stop your fucking worrying. That’s not what you’re really worried about, though, is it? You don’t really want it to stop. You just want all the love shit to stop. You’re secretly hoping the banging can go on, no strings attached. That ain’t gonna happen with this girl, so you can just give up that dream right now. You’re not breaking anyone’s fucking heart, she’s breaking her own. You talked about it up front, and still she thought “maybe I’ll convince him!”

Fucking lame. Why do you even wanna be friends? Christ.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Dear Murray

I just realized that the woman who often reminisces about her high school marching band days, and whose brand of humor entails reproducing gastrointestinal sounds is getting more deep dickin’ that I am. I don’t think it’s very fair because I don’t think she’s accepted the fact that she might be a lesbian, and that I like dick a lot more than her. AND I have better hair, my boobs are perkier, and I know how much wood a woodchuck chucks if a wood chuck could chuck wood (3 lbs.).

Sincerely,
Cobwebs in My Crotch

This is such a fucking rhetorical question. You can’t introduce someone as the “Company Hyena” and not expect that to be the natural choice. We all know that dude. He has the grating laugh and corners you to tell you about stupid shit. I worked with this guy once whose laugh sounded like asthmatic Badgers fucking. He’d corner my friend Caroline in the break room and talk endlessly about his FANCY SPORTS CAR he’d just bought. It was an 11 year-old Mazda. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Oh, hell yes you should bang that dude. While he’s on top of you making sounds like (picture the sex version of his laugh), I want you to reflect upon those long gone high school days. Think of all those band girls.

Not so funny-looking now, are they? HAHA.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Dear Murray:

Me and my friends are a pretty close knit group. Admittedly, I like to be the center of attention. But don’t we all from time to time? Pretty much since the beginning, I have been the center of attention, but lately, the tide has shifted to another member of our close knit group. When this first started to happen, I didn’t think much of it. I thought that it might just be a temporary thing, but after a little over a month of the same thing, I am growing increasingly impatient. This may seem shallow of me, but I’m having a tough time not being .1 anymore. What should I do? Should I have a talk with my friends and tell them what’s going on, or should I keep quiet and let the resentment fester and get worse, or ahhhh! I just want to scream. I feel bad because the person that the attention has shifted to is a good friend of mine, so I don’t want to have these jealous feelings, but I can’t help it. The group consists of 2 girls and 2 guys that hang out all of the time, and from time to time, another guy and another girl or two will join us. I had gotten used to always getting all of the attention from the guys, but not long ago, the attention shifted to the other girl that hangs out with us all of the time. I don’t know why, and it is really getting to me. I know that this doesn’t make any sense, so please forgive me. I just needed to vent.
-Jealous Again

Ahh fuckin christ. Did someone not get their little invitation to the butterfly ball? Did you recently gain some weight? Maybe in your BITCH ASS MOUTH? I can’t understand at all why people would lose interest in you, ya whiny little fuck. Ya’d better just quit the bitchin’ and start kissin’ the new queen’s ass, ’cause you’re all washed up.

If ya wanna scream something, try this little mantra: “I’M A BIG WHINY BITCH… I’M A BIG WHINY BITCH… I’M A BIG WHINY BITCH… OM.”

This reminds me of this guy I knew in college. Brady was the man’s name. He was quite possibly the most permanently stoned individual I ever knew. This one time, Brady and I are sitting there stoned, and he looks at me and says “man, i wish Michael Jackson would just DIE and let someone else be the king of pop for awhile.” I’m not sure I’ve ever heard a more brilliant proclamation in my LIFE.

Someone else is the new queen of your little social club, and you know what? It matters the fuck not.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Dear Murray

Here’s my dilemma.

There is a dude I’ve been feelin’. He was really into me in the beginning and I honestly was using him to get over someone else. Well, I basically carried him and he kinda snapped out of it and realized how much he liked me and how uncool that was. So I realized I was feelin’ him, a lot. But by the time I did, he was backing off. He used to call all the time, come over all the time and yes we had already had s*x. We still chill every now and then, I would say once every 2-3 weeks. Without s*x, by the way. Just relaxing. Ive come clean with him and told him everything. He says that he wants to for us to get to know each other better, since we did rush into stuff. That is cool, but the he barely calls now?? So i decided, f this, I am not chasing him nemore. Well, I have not called in about a week and he called yesterday. I carried it like I did not really care. I think he noticed. He asked who I was messing with, I said no one. He said yeah right. Now normally I would say no for real, and keep trying to convince him, but I am tired of this so I just said believe what you want, I dont care. Well, he called today around 12:30pm. He was making small talk, trying to stay on the phone. I however, was not saying too much at all. He then said he would prob. get out of class early tonight and call me from there to see what I was doing. Um, why? What is he doing?? It was obvious that he really liked me in the beginning, it was also obvious I messed up, but now he acts like hes playing games. I dont have time for that, but I see potential you know. Should I carry him all together? Does he really like me still or is it a stupid game? He has made it obvious he doesn’t want me to cut him off, um I actually came out and said it Sunday before last and he flipped…lol….is this dude what just scared. He says that he doesn’t sweat girls, he sweated me in the beginning, that I had him buggin’ and he started being late to class, not being able to focus at work, so he was like oh hell no and pushed his feelings down and backed off…is this the truth or bs…he cant be after s*x cuz we have been having a physical relationship, well not recently, but you get what i am saying.

-strung up

Well, first of all, if you’re ever gonna be any good in bed, you’re gonna have to just learn to fucking say it, first. SEX SEX VAGINA VAGINA CUNT COCK + BALLS. You feel better now? Damn, I sure do. Why do people feel like they have to bounce from relationship to relationship? Fuck. This reminds me of, well, myself. I’d just broken off a nine year long relationship. I was in a low low place. I moved back in with my parents and all, and shit. The town I was from, if they could spell my name correctly, it was a huge turn on, ’cause the only fuckin’ people left in that place were people who never managed to get the fuck out. So I ended up with this girl. She was a hot redhead and a damned good kisser, and oh god, we had fuckin’ nothing in common, but SHE WAS FUCKIN HOT OK? I’d try to have a conversation with her, and she’d say somethin’ like “oh you know more about that stuff than i do,” and we’d just forget the convo and get to the groping. Damn good thing, too, ’cause we didn’t have anything… SEX SEX VAGINA VAGINA CUNT COCK + BALLS. Just checking. So this went on for a couple of months. We were both like two fucking broken birds trying to take care of each other. What a fucking sight. Then, one day, she tells me she loves me! OH GOD OH GOD LITTLE RED HAIRED GIRL, I LOVE YOU TOO! Oh god, yes! This is everything I ever wanted. A girlfriend whose favorite musician is Kid Rock! The next few months were filled with the kind of gayness I don’t think I can properly represent in blog form, but let me summarize: 8 a.m. voicemails every fuckin day, ice cream cakes, the worst book of poetry anyone has ever bought me as a gift, and OH REALLY BABY no, tell me again about your collection of wicker baskets! I find it FASCINATING! REALLY! Then, something started to where it didn’t set right. However, I felt too sorry for her to dump her, so I attempted to convince her to dump me. 8 a.m. calls soon turned into “you love me? you sure? it’s ok if you don’t, really.” Eventually, she did, suprise of surprises, it fucking hurt. Nothing hurts and is more stupid than getting dumped by someone with bad taste. I never shoulda gotten to that point in the first place. Rebounds are rebounds are rebounds. They don’t fucking count and they shouldn’t be taken too seriously.

This is going on too long. SEX SEX VAGINA VAGINA CUNT COCK + BALLS. Enough said.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Dear Murray

I’ve been doing this online dating thing for quite some time, but it never seems to work out. I’m an attractive, artsy girl with my own apartment, eclectic tastes and a good sense of humor. None of these guys ever want to get serious with me. All I want is a solid relationship. Is that too much to ask?
-Single in Silverlake

Oh god, please stand still for five fuckin minutes whilst I fling copies of Donnie Darko at you while a dude in a baseball helmet gauges how fast i’m throwing. Do you go prowling for relationships? You think you’re gonna just input a couple of variables in the computer and out pops the perfect boyfriend? Christ. Didn’t you see the movie? YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER TO HOOK UP THE DOLL.

Look, you can’t force this fucking shit. You’re getting on my fucking nerves, lady. Are you one of those people who if a dude says “i think we should be friends” goes nutso screaming shit like “I don’t NEED any friends.” I have fucking met people like that. You want to be my boyfriend, but not my friend? If you wouldn’t be my friend, you’re never getting in my fuckin pants, lady! Get yourself a fucking kitten to be codependent with, and maybe you’ll get that shit outta your system and stop creeping your dates out.

There are alot of fucking people out there who are just looking for some goddamned anyone, and Murray is nobody’s motherfucking anyone.

 NOW LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.