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If you f*ckin’ can’t say it, you can’t FUCKING HAVE IT

Dear Murray

Here’s my dilemma.

There is a dude I’ve been feelin’. He was really into me in the beginning and I honestly was using him to get over someone else. Well, I basically carried him and he kinda snapped out of it and realized how much he liked me and how uncool that was. So I realized I was feelin’ him, a lot. But by the time I did, he was backing off. He used to call all the time, come over all the time and yes we had already had s*x. We still chill every now and then, I would say once every 2-3 weeks. Without s*x, by the way. Just relaxing. Ive come clean with him and told him everything. He says that he wants to for us to get to know each other better, since we did rush into stuff. That is cool, but the he barely calls now?? So i decided, f this, I am not chasing him nemore. Well, I have not called in about a week and he called yesterday. I carried it like I did not really care. I think he noticed. He asked who I was messing with, I said no one. He said yeah right. Now normally I would say no for real, and keep trying to convince him, but I am tired of this so I just said believe what you want, I dont care. Well, he called today around 12:30pm. He was making small talk, trying to stay on the phone. I however, was not saying too much at all. He then said he would prob. get out of class early tonight and call me from there to see what I was doing. Um, why? What is he doing?? It was obvious that he really liked me in the beginning, it was also obvious I messed up, but now he acts like hes playing games. I dont have time for that, but I see potential you know. Should I carry him all together? Does he really like me still or is it a stupid game? He has made it obvious he doesn’t want me to cut him off, um I actually came out and said it Sunday before last and he flipped…lol….is this dude what just scared. He says that he doesn’t sweat girls, he sweated me in the beginning, that I had him buggin’ and he started being late to class, not being able to focus at work, so he was like oh hell no and pushed his feelings down and backed off…is this the truth or bs…he cant be after s*x cuz we have been having a physical relationship, well not recently, but you get what i am saying.

-strung up

Well, first of all, if you’re ever gonna be any good in bed, you’re gonna have to just learn to fucking say it, first. SEX SEX VAGINA VAGINA CUNT COCK + BALLS. You feel better now? Damn, I sure do. Why do people feel like they have to bounce from relationship to relationship? Fuck. This reminds me of, well, myself. I’d just broken off a nine year long relationship. I was in a low low place. I moved back in with my parents and all, and shit. The town I was from, if they could spell my name correctly, it was a huge turn on, ’cause the only fuckin’ people left in that place were people who never managed to get the fuck out. So I ended up with this girl. She was a hot redhead and a damned good kisser, and oh god, we had fuckin’ nothing in common, but SHE WAS FUCKIN HOT OK? I’d try to have a conversation with her, and she’d say somethin’ like “oh you know more about that stuff than i do,” and we’d just forget the convo and get to the groping. Damn good thing, too, ’cause we didn’t have anything… SEX SEX VAGINA VAGINA CUNT COCK + BALLS. Just checking. So this went on for a couple of months. We were both like two fucking broken birds trying to take care of each other. What a fucking sight. Then, one day, she tells me she loves me! OH GOD OH GOD LITTLE RED HAIRED GIRL, I LOVE YOU TOO! Oh god, yes! This is everything I ever wanted. A girlfriend whose favorite musician is Kid Rock! The next few months were filled with the kind of gayness I don’t think I can properly represent in blog form, but let me summarize: 8 a.m. voicemails every fuckin day, ice cream cakes, the worst book of poetry anyone has ever bought me as a gift, and OH REALLY BABY no, tell me again about your collection of wicker baskets! I find it FASCINATING! REALLY! Then, something started to where it didn’t set right. However, I felt too sorry for her to dump her, so I attempted to convince her to dump me. 8 a.m. calls soon turned into “you love me? you sure? it’s ok if you don’t, really.” Eventually, she did, suprise of surprises, it fucking hurt. Nothing hurts and is more stupid than getting dumped by someone with bad taste. I never shoulda gotten to that point in the first place. Rebounds are rebounds are rebounds. They don’t fucking count and they shouldn’t be taken too seriously.

This is going on too long. SEX SEX VAGINA VAGINA CUNT COCK + BALLS. Enough said.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Categories: General Malaise

Dear Murray

Dear Murray a tasty, tasty bitch beloved and feared by hordes of basement-dwelling illiterati and their fierce antagonists, the Grammar Nazis. He single-handedly turned the webcam whorefest of Myspace into a lively commerce of ideas, including whether or not the TUBGIRL photo will ever be topped as a postmodern expression of the inexpressible. According to web historians, he has inspired more photoshop projects and syphilis jokes than Britney Spears (who he has been repeatedly linked romantically to). He is also rumoured to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby, a disciple of Cliff Yablonski, and the second gunman on the grassy knoll. Although he could not be reached for comment, he reportedly resides in or near the tent cities along the LA River Basin, third right after the walrus sunning station.

He has vehemently denied all charges that he is any any way responsible for that rash your wife claims "is from the heat".

His primary function is doling out advice; the inspiration sprang from an endless and eventually dull repetition of fucktards failed to heed his words.

A secondary result is a dysfunctional family "round table" of people who contribute innumerable one-liners and personal experiences, rarely related in any way to the actual question.

It is estimated that tens of thousands of readers have "LOL'd" approximately 5,395,645,694,167,467,105 times, with the toll expected to rise.

He is immune to kryptonite, chlamydia, and brainwashing.

Wikipedia has banned PENCILTITS's entry, debating the relevance of his tasty bitchiness.