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Desperate to bang anything!

Dear Murray

I just realized that the woman who often reminisces about her high school marching band days, and whose brand of humor entails reproducing gastrointestinal sounds is getting more deep dickin’ that I am. I don’t think it’s very fair because I don’t think she’s accepted the fact that she might be a lesbian, and that I like dick a lot more than her. AND I have better hair, my boobs are perkier, and I know how much wood a woodchuck chucks if a wood chuck could chuck wood (3 lbs.).

Should I go out and fuck the:
§ Company Hyena
§ CEO’s son
§ 23 year old kid I met this weekend who might have an Asian fetish but is still pretty sexy and it’s not anything serious anyway…
§ next thing that goes to the watercooler?


Cobwebs in My Crotch

This is such a fucking rhetorical question. You can’t introduce someone as the “Company Hyena” and not expect that to be the natural choice. We all know that dude. He has the grating laugh and corners you to tell you about stupid shit. I worked with this guy once whose laugh sounded like asthmatic Badgers fucking. He’d corner my friend Caroline in the break room and talk endlessly about his FANCY SPORTS CAR he’d just bought. It was an 11 year-old Mazda. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Oh, hell yes you should bang that dude. While he’s on top of you making sounds like (picture the sex version of his laugh), I want you to reflect upon those long gone high school days. Think of all those band girls.

Not so funny-looking now, are they? HAHA.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Categories: General Malaise

Dear Murray

Dear Murray a tasty, tasty bitch beloved and feared by hordes of basement-dwelling illiterati and their fierce antagonists, the Grammar Nazis. He single-handedly turned the webcam whorefest of Myspace into a lively commerce of ideas, including whether or not the TUBGIRL photo will ever be topped as a postmodern expression of the inexpressible. According to web historians, he has inspired more photoshop projects and syphilis jokes than Britney Spears (who he has been repeatedly linked romantically to). He is also rumoured to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby, a disciple of Cliff Yablonski, and the second gunman on the grassy knoll. Although he could not be reached for comment, he reportedly resides in or near the tent cities along the LA River Basin, third right after the walrus sunning station.

He has vehemently denied all charges that he is any any way responsible for that rash your wife claims "is from the heat".

His primary function is doling out advice; the inspiration sprang from an endless and eventually dull repetition of fucktards failed to heed his words.

A secondary result is a dysfunctional family "round table" of people who contribute innumerable one-liners and personal experiences, rarely related in any way to the actual question.

It is estimated that tens of thousands of readers have "LOL'd" approximately 5,395,645,694,167,467,105 times, with the toll expected to rise.

He is immune to kryptonite, chlamydia, and brainwashing.

Wikipedia has banned PENCILTITS's entry, debating the relevance of his tasty bitchiness.