Desperate to bang anything!

Dear Murray

I just realized that the woman who often reminisces about her high school marching band days, and whose brand of humor entails reproducing gastrointestinal sounds is getting more deep dickin’ that I am. I don’t think it’s very fair because I don’t think she’s accepted the fact that she might be a lesbian, and that I like dick a lot more than her. AND I have better hair, my boobs are perkier, and I know how much wood a woodchuck chucks if a wood chuck could chuck wood (3 lbs.).

Should I go out and fuck the:
§ Company Hyena
§ CEO’s son
§ 23 year old kid I met this weekend who might have an Asian fetish but is still pretty sexy and it’s not anything serious anyway…
§ next thing that goes to the watercooler?

OR?

Sincerely,
Cobwebs in My Crotch

This is such a fucking rhetorical question. You can’t introduce someone as the “Company Hyena” and not expect that to be the natural choice. We all know that dude. He has the grating laugh and corners you to tell you about stupid shit. I worked with this guy once whose laugh sounded like asthmatic Badgers fucking. He’d corner my friend Caroline in the break room and talk endlessly about his FANCY SPORTS CAR he’d just bought. It was an 11 year-old Mazda. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Oh, hell yes you should bang that dude. While he’s on top of you making sounds like (picture the sex version of his laugh), I want you to reflect upon those long gone high school days. Think of all those band girls.

Not so funny-looking now, are they? HAHA.

Now leave me the fuck alone.