When Nobody in Your Own State Will Love You

Dear Murray:

hi i have read alot of the stuff you had typed and agreed with it thats why im asking you for some help if you could you see i live in floirda and this guy i am going out with lives in ohio i am 25 hes 29 but the problem is he lives so far its really hard i never cheated on him and would do what ever i can for him is there any way to make a long distance realanship work out with out getting to sad and not seeing that person ?

ABSOLUTELY. You should build effigies of that person in your basement. Get a mannequin, and plaster a printout of their face on it. Dance with the mannequin every night. If yo’ mannequin’s got the happy feet, you should get down and grind with it. Next time your long distance lover’s in town, propose a 3-way with them and your ersatz lover. DUDES LOVE THAT SHIT. PROMISE!

Face it, if you’re ever in a long-distance relationship, at least once a week you’re gonna find yourself saying “WELL, IF THIS WASN’T THE STUPIDEST MESS YOU EVER GOT YOURSELF INTO, DUMBASS!” Hell, in LA, if they live more than 3 city street miles away from you, that shit’s too long distance to bother with. Oh, sure, it can theoretically work out, and I’m sure it has before. Just like I’m sure that someone somewhere has gotten a FREE ipod on the internet before. I sure as hell ain’t seen it, but it’s probably happened!

Dating someone across the country is just opening your own ass to a whole load of problems for yourself. Before long, you’re gonna be so paranoid jealous you’ll be calling their ass 17 times a day, just to make sure they’re not seeing anyone else. BUT DON’T WORRY, THAT WILL ONLY MAKE YOU CLOSER!

I’ve never seen one single long-distance relationship work out. But hey, you’ll always have your MAN-nequin! We already know he’s the better dancer, anyway.

Come on, don’t you watch TV? All long-distance couples are now all required to go on the Amazing Race, JUST TO SEE IF IT IS GONNA WORK OUT. It never does, and they always hate each other, and one of them throws the race because they hate the other one THAT goddamned much, but hey! At least you’ll get to bungee jump, which is more action than you’re getting now. Maybe you’ll even meet your next long-distance lover while on a mission to find a fish shop in Kampuchea!

Now leave me the fuck alone.