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When Nobody in Your Own State Will Love You

Dear Murray:

hi i have read alot of the stuff you had typed and agreed with it thats why im asking you for some help if you could you see i live in floirda and this guy i am going out with lives in ohio i am 25 hes 29 but the problem is he lives so far its really hard i never cheated on him and would do what ever i can for him is there any way to make a long distance realanship work out with out getting to sad and not seeing that person ?

ABSOLUTELY. You should build effigies of that person in your basement. Get a mannequin, and plaster a printout of their face on it. Dance with the mannequin every night. If yo’ mannequin’s got the happy feet, you should get down and grind with it. Next time your long distance lover’s in town, propose a 3-way with them and your ersatz lover. DUDES LOVE THAT SHIT. PROMISE!

Face it, if you’re ever in a long-distance relationship, at least once a week you’re gonna find yourself saying “WELL, IF THIS WASN’T THE STUPIDEST MESS YOU EVER GOT YOURSELF INTO, DUMBASS!” Hell, in LA, if they live more than 3 city street miles away from you, that shit’s too long distance to bother with. Oh, sure, it can theoretically work out, and I’m sure it has before. Just like I’m sure that someone somewhere has gotten a FREE ipod on the internet before. I sure as hell ain’t seen it, but it’s probably happened!

Dating someone across the country is just opening your own ass to a whole load of problems for yourself. Before long, you’re gonna be so paranoid jealous you’ll be calling their ass 17 times a day, just to make sure they’re not seeing anyone else. BUT DON’T WORRY, THAT WILL ONLY MAKE YOU CLOSER!

I’ve never seen one single long-distance relationship work out. But hey, you’ll always have your MAN-nequin! We already know he’s the better dancer, anyway.

Come on, don’t you watch TV? All long-distance couples are now all required to go on the Amazing Race, JUST TO SEE IF IT IS GONNA WORK OUT. It never does, and they always hate each other, and one of them throws the race because they hate the other one THAT goddamned much, but hey! At least you’ll get to bungee jump, which is more action than you’re getting now. Maybe you’ll even meet your next long-distance lover while on a mission to find a fish shop in Kampuchea!

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Categories: First-Class Whining Love that's done FUCKED

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Dear Murray

Dear Murray a tasty, tasty bitch beloved and feared by hordes of basement-dwelling illiterati and their fierce antagonists, the Grammar Nazis. He single-handedly turned the webcam whorefest of Myspace into a lively commerce of ideas, including whether or not the TUBGIRL photo will ever be topped as a postmodern expression of the inexpressible. According to web historians, he has inspired more photoshop projects and syphilis jokes than Britney Spears (who he has been repeatedly linked romantically to). He is also rumoured to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby, a disciple of Cliff Yablonski, and the second gunman on the grassy knoll. Although he could not be reached for comment, he reportedly resides in or near the tent cities along the LA River Basin, third right after the walrus sunning station.

He has vehemently denied all charges that he is any any way responsible for that rash your wife claims "is from the heat".

His primary function is doling out advice; the inspiration sprang from an endless and eventually dull repetition of fucktards failed to heed his words.

A secondary result is a dysfunctional family "round table" of people who contribute innumerable one-liners and personal experiences, rarely related in any way to the actual question.

It is estimated that tens of thousands of readers have "LOL'd" approximately 5,395,645,694,167,467,105 times, with the toll expected to rise.

He is immune to kryptonite, chlamydia, and brainwashing.

Wikipedia has banned PENCILTITS's entry, debating the relevance of his tasty bitchiness.