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Humility and the art of baby-naming

Dear Murray,

My woman wants to name our baby boy Draco.

Well, I think that’s the best idea I’ve ever heard. There are plenty of kids out there named Moon or Rock or Earthfart, and they desperately need someone else’s ass to kick. You’ll be doing the world a great service!

People really need to think about the repercussions of the name they stick their chilluns with. Picking a name just because of shit that YOU think is cool is going to automatically give them built in reasons to hate your asses. Just ask my friend Farsheed Mahboubi’s son, Phil.

Of course, if you read into the subtext of all the names out there, you’ll never settle on a name. DANA, KELLY, SAM… you’ll be setting the kid up for a life of androgeny and sexual confusion. BROC, ROC or any variation… hell, why not just name your boy MEATHEAD?

I have thought long and hard about this subject, and the only infallible name I’ve come up with for a boy is Thor. Thor Thunderdick Jones. Ain’t nobody gonna fuck with that kid. Nope.

If it’s a girl, hoo boy. Don’t name her after a virtue. CHASTITY, HOPE… guaranteed WHORE names. Black women have the naming shit down. Name her something that ain’t nobody ever been named before. Just start grabbing syllables from the air. CHANTICLEEROESHA. That’d be my daughter’s name. Chanticleeroesha Stem Cell Research Garcia, III. We’re bringin back the matriarchy!

So go ahead, name your kid Draco. With a little luck, all those ass whoopings will make the little bastard a badass, and he can pretend to be an Eastern European action hero someday. Oh, and lay off the Harry Potter.

Categories: First-Class Whining Stupid White People

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Dear Murray

Dear Murray a tasty, tasty bitch beloved and feared by hordes of basement-dwelling illiterati and their fierce antagonists, the Grammar Nazis. He single-handedly turned the webcam whorefest of Myspace into a lively commerce of ideas, including whether or not the TUBGIRL photo will ever be topped as a postmodern expression of the inexpressible. According to web historians, he has inspired more photoshop projects and syphilis jokes than Britney Spears (who he has been repeatedly linked romantically to). He is also rumoured to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby, a disciple of Cliff Yablonski, and the second gunman on the grassy knoll. Although he could not be reached for comment, he reportedly resides in or near the tent cities along the LA River Basin, third right after the walrus sunning station.

He has vehemently denied all charges that he is any any way responsible for that rash your wife claims "is from the heat".

His primary function is doling out advice; the inspiration sprang from an endless and eventually dull repetition of fucktards failed to heed his words.

A secondary result is a dysfunctional family "round table" of people who contribute innumerable one-liners and personal experiences, rarely related in any way to the actual question.

It is estimated that tens of thousands of readers have "LOL'd" approximately 5,395,645,694,167,467,105 times, with the toll expected to rise.

He is immune to kryptonite, chlamydia, and brainwashing.

Wikipedia has banned PENCILTITS's entry, debating the relevance of his tasty bitchiness.