Dear Murray

Dear Murray

What are your thoughts on prostitution? Should it be legalized or not? It sucks having to go all the way to Tijuana to get some easy ass.
-Horny in Hollywood

Lemme tell ya, it’s a sad fucking cuntry we live in when you can sell your soul, but you can’t sell your ass. So, let’s combine these two pasttimes, why don’t we? First, we legalize prostitution. Then, we can regulate it, tax it, and make sure the hookers are clean. Then, we take that motherfucker to Wall Street. That’s right. Whores, Inc., is gonna be the fucking biggest IPO ever to hit. Fuckers are gonna go crazy when our ticker symbol comes across the screen:

HO +45.23I CAN BUY THAT NEW HOUSE! Sure, it’s gonna have its ups and downs: condom shortages, natural drop in consumer demand right after xmas, but hell. I think the most beautiful thing I can ever imagine would be a buncha motherfucking suits running around freaking the fuck out. OH MY GOD! CHLAMYDIA OUTBREAK! WHORES ARE DOWN! SELL! SELL! SEEEEELLLLLLLLLLL! That’s like xmas, the 4th of July, and Bastille Day all rolled into one, right there.We launch Jan. 1. Now leave me the fuck alone.

Dear Murray:

Help me out please. I need an idea of how to exact my revenge without getting arrested.

Here’s why:
I’ve worked at this piece of shit company for a little over a year now. I was hired to do HR work and instead I get to do bullshit secretary work. The execs at this place are all chauvinistic pigs (I wasn’t aware of this when I accepted the job) and have spent the last year showing me exactly how little they respect me.

First my ideas were dismissed. Then I was ignored. Then I was really ignored. Then my ideas were stolen. Then I heard I wasn’t taken seriously because of how I dressed (and no, I don’t dress like a fucking hobo). Then what few HR projects I had, were given to the finance guy (cuz that makes perfect sense). Then I was regarded as the office whore (which is not legit).

Of course I’ve done the obvious and gotten a new job. However, I decided to man the fuck up and finish my two weeks (regretting it as we speak).

So in my last two weeks of hell how can I get back at them without anyone knowing?

Thanks,
Really fucking pissed off in Wyoming

There is no more powerful (wo)man in the world than ONE WHO HAS JUST TURNED IN THEIR RESIGNATION. Who the hell you gotta impress? It’s the one chance you’ll ever have to rain truth bombs all over that shithole you invested ALL THOSE GODDAMNED WASTED YEARS on.

What? You walking gingerly to get yourself one a them there precious referrals? Only a true ASSKISSER would finish that shit quietly. SPEAK SOME TROOF!

Yo, Indian guy in IT. You’re supposed to EAT THE CURRY, not slather it all over your body like you’re turning yourself into a walking homage to Ganesha’s asshole. If I have to smell your ass for one more week, I’ll never fucking eat tikki masala AGAIN!

Gary, in sales. When you laugh, it sounds like two elderly porpoises fucking. Seriously, I can’t UNDERSTAND why your wife just divorced your ass! I’m gonna have nightmares the rest of my life where I hear your laugh, have Vietnam-like flashbacks, and wake up choking the shit outta my girlfriend. If I could have the part of my memory that contains your fucking laugh surgically removed with a fucking chisel, I would.

Sue, you fucking cunt. You know why people don’t get more shit done around here? It takes TWO FUCKING hours to do anything, and 1 hour 45 minutes of that involves you standing at their desk bitching and whining about it. If you really want to increase productivity, you’ll spend that time licking your own asshole. That’s a more productive use of your jaw muscles than having to sit here listening to your whiny fucking voice. Your ass really needs to get laid. I hear Gary’s available.

HEY, FAT HORNY GUY. You know when we’re on the elevator, and a pretty girl steps off, the doors close, and you nudge me and say “did ya see that?” YOU FAT FUCK, you are WAY too fucking sexually excited to be touching me right fucking now. Now I’m gonna have to break into the cleaning closet and wash my arms in fucking BORAX just to rid my body of your festering pheromones. We both know you’ll be in the bathroom tugging your puny little pud in five minutes, and that’s cutting it way too close in the time between your hands touching me and your hands touching your dick. Keep the masturbation fantasies to yourself, motherfucker! If you can’t, then go tell ‘em to GARY.

And you, Fred. You’re the worst of them all. I started listening to death metal at my desk because it was the ONLY THING POWERFUL ENOUGH TO DROWN OUT YOUR OBNOXIOUS VOICE. And I FUCKING hate death metal! I hate death metal more than anything and everything in this world except for the sound of your voice, so it was an easy decision. I suggest you get yourself a horse muzzle and strap that shit on, for always. There is nothing worse in this here life than overhearing a conversation between you and Gary. Between your voice and his laugh, I fucking swear a vortex is gonna open up and suck this whole company down into the fire of fucking hell.

And I don’t wanna be here when that happens, so that’s why I’m resigning.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Dear Murray

How can I erase a speeding ticket from another state without waking up next to a horse’s head? Stupid fucking California DMV won’t let me get a license here until I pay this other stupid fucking state.
-Johnny Knuckles

Just why do ya need a California license is what I wanna know. Unless you’re Black or Mexican, or worse, Blaxican, LAPD ain’t gonna pull your ass over anyway. I mean, really. How many times you seen some car pulled over on the side of the road and you see about four Mexicans spread eagle across the car, with guns fucking pointed at all four of them little old ladies? Shit. I was riding down Sunset Blvd. one night, and I saw the cops pull over these four black dudes. I know they looked all suspicious cruising a nice vehicle like that four door Saturn they was driving. Seriously, that thing had to be paid for by drug money, ’cause I mean, come on. No normal human being’s got that kinda bread lying around. So the cops open their doors and get in position behind their doors and their hands on the guns and yell for all four of ‘em to get out and put their hands on the car. You know ol’ Murray. I see this and yell HEY! FUCK THA POLICE! Shit. Sally V. won’t even drive my ass nowhere near Sunset anymore.

So never fear, whitey. Your guvanator’s got your back. Be it driving without a license or bilking people outta millions with your insider trading. The jails are full of the brown people, and they ain’t got time to mess with you.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Dear Murray

i just moved to LA from Dayton, Ohio and I have noticed that I am having problems getting laid. Telling them about my 80’s theme band “Pink Rock Glitter” doesn’t seem to impress them, and all I can afford is a damaged rental car from this werid pakistani guy on Cahuenga Blvd. I am wondering now if it’s a good idea to tell them that I am a nude photograper, because that should get me laid, right? Now my question is: How do I get started? I have no experience. Any ideas?
-shutterbug

Jesus H. fucking Malmsteen Christ. I thought Great White did away with all of you a couple years back.

In fact, I still have a copy of the newspaper:

First of all, you should get your band all together in one place, pile your instruments in a pile in the middle of the floor, remove all of your leather and feather boas, and place them on top. Now, instead of doing what the five of you would NORMALLY do when faced with this situation, I want you to set fire to your pile. Problem 1: solved.

Here’s the secret to getting women to pose nude for you: you have to pay them. Lots. The hell did you get the idea that they gonna just drop their panties ’cause you got a zoom lens? You’re gonna have to work three jobs just to support this hobby. besides, buddy. i read craigslist, too. the word is out. your lens ain’t zoom.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Dear Murray

i am a germany born eastern european female in my mid 20s, medium blonde with green blue eyes.I watch all those cool videos on MTV with 50 cent and now I want to start wearing doorags, so I can fit in. Do you think the bruthaz will notice if that am not really black? Please help!
-c-dawg from da BH hood

You think the world hasn’t noticed that Michael Jackson isn’t black? This is a tough question for me, since I know you’ve built your entire vernacular from years of watching Yo! MTV Raps! but I’m up for the challenge. As I said before, Murray grew up in the hood. As much of a hood as there could be in the smaller town I was from. If you wanna impress black people, I learned a little secret. Be yourself. Just because you watched Roots don’t mean that you can relate to “mah peeps”. They’re not gonna care about how you “kicked it on Magnolia in the Burbank hoods back in the day.” So give it up. If you need a look to fit in somewhere, lemme suggest you model yourself after these guys. You’ll fit right in.

Now leave me the fuck alone.