Dear Murray

Dear Murray

Do you think a second American revolution could ever happen, or are we so docile now that we will allow the government to do as the please at the expense of our freedoms? Where do you stand on the Second Amendment?
-considering holing up in Montana

Five years ago, I would have told you no. This could never fucking happen. This country is full of right-wing “love it or leave it” fucks (wasn’t this country founded by leaving “it” – “it” being england?) and leftists who only show their face when it’s trendy. NOT ANYMORE BUDDY! Now we have PO-TEN-TIAL! The Revolution’s coming and it WILL be televised!

This fall on FOX! Hold onto your tits, ladies! We stick five angry dissidents in a house with five radical statists of the Reaganite variety! Watch as these 10 people battle week after week for ultimate control of these United States! AND TEN MILLION DOLLARS AND A RECORDING CONTRACT! Who’s it gonna be? Who’s got what it takes to be the last survivor? Will Lucy win over the country with her anarcho-socialist views and her string bikini? Or will Reggie succeed in bringing back slavery? Put your phone on speed-dial! Lock your Tivo in!

I just got so excited I need to go change my pants. Now leave me the fuck alone.

Dear Murray,I need some advice,er wisdom on how to be a truly better person & not just a simpleton/catatonic/knee-jerk ‘Do-Gooder’!I already have a head start as I do not write ‘poetry’/am not a poet(yippie!) and also ‘offed’ my first (and last) life-coach.I now have a life cheerleader,but ‘she’ is a horse-hung tranny who is not proficient at espousing anything of value!
Peace(Chaos?!) & Thanks,Cary/ZiA

You’re off on the right foot. Every self-aware person needs a good tranny telling them what to do. Just make sure you never, ever forget the reacharound! He/she will grab you by the ears and fuck your life hard if you forget that.

Are you knocking poets? I’ll have you know I’m a licensed practitioner of the poemetry. At the very least, you could use some of the practice at slowing the fuck down withtherunonsentences it would give you.

Have you read the Bhagavad Gita, ya hippie? In it, Arjuna gets all whiny “OH KRISHNA, KRISHNA, I can’t go to war. Killin’ is wrong!” Krishna smacks the whiny little bitch around and tells him he’s being selfish. “If he wasn’t your cousin, you woulda already stabbed him and fucked the wound, so shaddup, ya pussy!” My sanskrit is a little rusty, though, so I’m paraphrasing.

ANYDAMNEDHOW. It’s the same with good deed doing. Good deed doing has become pretty fucking pointless. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You did something for someone. You want a fucking medal? YES. Everyone wants the goddamned medal. Feeding the homeless is a ripe (in more ways than one) opportunity for press! WE ARE SUPPOSED TO DO GOOD! HALP PEOPLE! Bullshit. We don’t have to do a goddamned thing but eat, drink, shit, watch football and die.

Would anyone be doing good for anyone else if it weren’t for the medals and keys to the city and the GENUINE Kodak moments and the tax breaks and the great Nobel circle jerk? Highly doubtful.

Anyhow, quit your fucking whining and worrying about what you should be or wanna be or coulda been. If you feel like doing something, do it. If you don’t, don’t. Just don’t get caught up in all that IF I DO THIS WHAT WILL IT GET ME bullshit. Then, you’ll be just another empty cocksucker, like the rest of them.

Now leave me the fuck alone.