Naw, baby, ain’t loved NOBODY like I love you

Dear Murray:

My ex bf wants me back. We’ve been broken up a year & he’s been contacting me saying he loves me.?
We broke up because he was online talking to girls all the time & he said I didnt trust him. But now he’s saying he wants me back & doesnt talk online to girls anymore. I went over to his house the other day & saw text messages from a girl & pictures on his computer from a girl & i saw emails exchanged between the two of them saying they love eachother. Recent emails. I asked him about her and he lied and said he didnt know what I was talking about. I want to believe him-Why is he contacting me after a year of being broken up and saying he wants to be with me if he’s still talking to other girls online? I dont understand and Im very confused. I want to believe him. What should I do? Should i take him back?
He says he’s changed. He used to get so mad at me for not trusting him, he would call ME the **** if i even looked at another guy. Now he’s been hanging out with me on the weekends and saying he’s changed. He used to NEVER want to go anywhere with me, now he’s going out at nights with me. I love him and he says he loves me. I even called the girl that he’s been talking too and she said she never even knew about me at all. so he was lying to her too. I just want to know if you think he’s changed & if not, why is he bothering with me after all this time? Why not just let me live my life and move on? If he hasnt changed, why would he contact me again?

Hoo boy. It’s every man’s dream! You know what’s better than one chick swinging from the end of your dick? TWO CHICKS with dicks swinging from your lips. Err. Maybe I transposed something there. This lighter fluid in the coffee thing is fucking with my vision.

Anyhow, lemme tell ya, I’m not one bit interested in any of my exes, but if I knew my exes still wanted me, you know what I would do? My ego would get so ginormously huge that it could only be satisfied by building 75 foot bronze statues of myself, with lightning bolts shooting outta my dick, and a giant plaque that reads “THOR THUNDERDICK STRIKES AGAIN!”

Yeah, he’s got regrets. The biggest of which being that he didn’t give you the double AIDS before he left. Second biggest is that he never got the anal. Now, if he can give you some internet venereal disease in yer anus, he can start building his own bronze statue. Revenge will be sweet and complete!

So, what are you waiting for, lady? GO FOR IT. He ain’t love nobody like he love you! You are meant to BE. Just be sure to marry and reproduce as quickly as possible. That’ll keep him TRUE. Would I lie?

Now leave me the fuck alone.