Zen and the Art of Dating Assholes

Dear Murray

I met the nicest guy, and all I can think about is “oh, how cute. He won’t last long.” What is wrong with me?!

I really don’t want the cock. I just want someone to be nice to me. (sigh)
–Your Fav Career Gal

PS Well, the cock MIGHT be nice, I just dunno if I want it hanging around too long (no pun intended, I assure you)

Whoever said nice guys don’t win hasn’t been fucking reading Dear Murray lately. The nice guys are getting ALL the fuckin action up in this place. Are you people taking notes? MURRAY IS A NICE GUY, TOO! Can’t ya fucking tell? And I’m getting freaky more than R. Kelly at a middle school dance.

The problem is this. I hear women tell me all the fucking time “I want a guy to treat me nice. I’m tired of so-and-so doing this-and-that.” Shut the fuck up already. If you’re tired of mothafuckas treating you like shit, dump the fucker already. It’s that fucking easy. It’s much easier to dump that motherfucker than to remove my boot tread from your cheek. Because if you keep whining to me about it, that’s what’s gonna fucking happen. It’s a simple equation. If you date an asshole, and he continues to be an asshole, and you stay, then YOU LIKE ASSHOLES. ACCEPT IT. Take yoga if you have to in order to deal with it. BECOME ONE with the universe of being an asshole-lover.

Oh, right. Nice guys. Just tell the motherfucker up front. It’s really not hard to say “i can’t deal with anything serious.” “I just wanna hang out and have sex.” Shit like that is golden. Trying to interpret signs and actions is fucking annoying. When you keep silent out of trying to spare someone’s feelings, you’re fucking up yourself and the other person. I guarantee if you tell him exactly what’s up, he will go for it in a fucking heartbeat.

Now leave me the fuck alone.