Dealing with a hot date when the red river is flowing

Dear Murray

when i was 11 i started getting these visits every month. my insides begin spilling and i need to plug myself with them cotton/rayon blends they call tampons.

how do i make it stop? esp. on them nights when i have hott dates?

Less Absorbing

Date won’t go there when the river’s flowin’, eh? I would trade bleeding a few days a month for the freedom of mouth that comes with it. Seriously, you fucking have license during PMS to say whatever the fuck you want, and everyone else is supposed to dismiss it. OH GOD I WANNA CUT OFF YOUR DICK AND MAKE PIGS IN BLANKETS FROM IT–whoops, sorry, PMS. teehee. I want that kinda freedom! Shit, if you think Murray’s a wiseasshole now, just you wait! Put my cranky, bloated ass in line at the DMV and we’re gonna see some motherfuckin’ shit go down! OH LISTEN TO ME BITCH! YOU GONNA TAKE MY PHOTO AGAIN AND YOU’RE GOOONNA MAKE ME PRETTY! NO YOU DID-NT!

Ahh, fuck. Why you want it to stop? You trying to put up some pleasant front and shit? Fuck that, that ain’t real. Just grab your date by the ears and say something like IF YOU TALK ABOUT YOUR EX ONE MORE TIME I’m gonna wedge the apple from your martini in your fuckin’ anus! ‘Cause that shit is real. Guys like real.

Now leave me the fuck alone.