Dear Murray –
I am in love. It is honestly the most healthy open relationship I’ve ever been in, and he treats me better than I could have ever expected. But I have issues(who doesn’t?). he has a lot of friends who are girls, he always has…I was one of them at one point. it makes me so jealous….and all of them bother me. from the ones I know and am friends with, to the ones I haven’t met yet, to his myspace friends who live on the other side of the world. my problem isn’t even that I don’t trust him, I don’t trust other girls. I’m a girl, I know how we can be…and it’s not pretty. I know I’m being silly to an extent, but I can’t seem to move past this. I don’t know what to do!
Well, damn. Why don’t you just keep him in a pet cage? Ain’t it possible for women and men to just be friends? You think dudes would just bang their women friends? HELL YES THEY WOULD!
What keeps it from happening? WELL QUITE OBVIOUSLY it’s the women! No doubt the vast majority of male/female friendships haven’t crossed that line because the WOMAN hasn’t said YES. Yet.
So how do you keep it from happening? You’re doing the right thing. Make friends with the female friends. Get to know them, make them adore you. If that don’t make ya feel secure, instill a general sense of GREAT INSTABILITY. Scare the fuck outta them. Carry a switchblade comb. Hell, carry a switchblade, too. Accidentally pull out the blade and start to comb your hair with it.
I always liked to befriend the female friends of girls I dated. Know why? NOBODY TALKS SHIT LIKE A PISSED OFF BEST GIRLFRIEND! No need to go searching for what went wrong! Sooner or later, she’s gonna piss off her best girlfriend and you’re gonna get a fuckin’ earful! You’re gonna learn that bitch wears false teeth ’cause she’s lost all of her teeth but FOUR! You’re gonna get so disgusted, you’re not gonna even give a shit about why she dumped you anymore.
If they are making you so jealous, yo’ ass must be feeling insecure. So just what you feeling so goddamned insecure about? One of them hoochies got a better car? Better job? Bigger tits? Better at oral sex? None of those really mean that fucking much. (With the exception of that last one, which commands universal consideration).
Maybe your ass has been through hell and back, but what really matters is does it feel right? That shit is unexplainable, but it trumps everything. Can we have just as much fun watching goddamned antenna tv as we can going to fuckin Disneyland? We just want this shit to be as easy as possible. That’s what matters to us. That and a killer BJ, and we’re yours forever. Oh, and we don’t wanna hear any bitching about our friends.
Now leave me the fuck alone.
Dear Murray a tasty, tasty bitch beloved and feared by hordes of basement-dwelling illiterati and their fierce antagonists, the Grammar Nazis. He single-handedly turned the webcam whorefest of Myspace into a lively commerce of ideas, including whether or not the TUBGIRL photo will ever be topped as a postmodern expression of the inexpressible. According to web historians, he has inspired more photoshop projects and syphilis jokes than Britney Spears (who he has been repeatedly linked romantically to). He is also rumoured to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby, a disciple of Cliff Yablonski, and the second gunman on the grassy knoll. Although he could not be reached for comment, he reportedly resides in or near the tent cities along the LA River Basin, third right after the walrus sunning station.
He has vehemently denied all charges that he is any any way responsible for that rash your wife claims "is from the heat".
His primary function is doling out advice; the inspiration sprang from an endless and eventually dull repetition of fucktards failed to heed his words.
A secondary result is a dysfunctional family "round table" of people who contribute innumerable one-liners and personal experiences, rarely related in any way to the actual question.
It is estimated that tens of thousands of readers have "LOL'd" approximately 5,395,645,694,167,467,105 times, with the toll expected to rise.
He is immune to kryptonite, chlamydia, and brainwashing.
Wikipedia has banned PENCILTITS's entry, debating the relevance of his tasty bitchiness.