My Boyfriend Gots to get the Power Up!

Dear Murray

My boyfriend is obsessed with comic books and video games. Lately, I haven’t been getting any action at all. He stays up all hours of the night playing the X-box, and I go to bed early and alone. Do I have to smash the game into a million pieces? How can I turn his interest back to me?
-Alone in Atwater

Will you shut up until I finish this game? Fuck. You made me fucking lose, goddammit. I know the games can be addictive and all, but I find it hard to believe mothafuckas would rather play that shit than bang. Maybe TV really is rotting our fucking brains.

I think the most bizarre encounter I ever witnessed was in college. The internet was a tiny collection of geeks (such as myself) back then. I walked my girlfriend to her dorm, and walking back to mine, I went into the all night computer lab to check my email. It’s about 2 in the morning and I’m stoned out of my mind, but this giant hairy dude was having a conversation with another guy about MUDs. Multi-User Dungeons. It’s the geekiest thing ever invented. It’s like they combined a chat room with a game of Dungeons and Dragons. I only tried that shit once, and people kept coming in and out and I would try shit like “smacks you upside the head with his giant lingam” but apparently the cock swat doesn’t have much power in dweebland. So I witness this conversation:

hairy dude: i’m stuck in my game…
computer labbie dude: oh no
hairy dude: i need more disk space…
computer labbie dude: (looks around over his shoulders then whispers) be here at 7 a.m… i can get you 8 MEGS.

I just witnessed a motherfucking drug deal go down, where the drug equals disk space and the dealer and dealee equals two total gamer fags. Christ. It felt so dirty.

Does your boyfriend ever get so aroused that he jerks off to comics? If he’d rather do that shit than do you, there could be something serious going on there. So, give him a choice or drop the motherfucker. There are plenty of other fetishes out there.

Get yourself a nice boy who will wear your panties.

Now leave me the fuck alone.