You must be 42 inches tall to ride this emotional rollercoaster

dear murray:

ok, I started dating this girl in february. She was a friend fo a friend but we didnt know each other that well. We jumped right into a pretty intensely physical relationship. The she sorta cooled off on me, saying that she wasnt really ready for a relationship, but that she really liked me and enjoyed spending time w/ me and wanted to develop a friendship w/ me. Fine, so we continue to hang out then we start fucking again about a month later. Then nothing for a couple of weeks, then we started fooling around again, but no sex. All my friends tell me to just cut her loose. The bitch of it is that she has become a really close friend of mine despite the emotional roller coaster. She has many of the qualitites that i want in a girlfriend, but I cant keep doing this. I feel like if I let her, she’ll cut my heart into 2 inch cubes.

What should I do?

-Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?

Ahh. Up and Down and Down and going down. CUT HER LOOSE? ARE YOU CRAZY? Why not just enjoy that shit? From the sounds of it, she’s being clear that she doesn’t want a relationship, BUT SHE HAS NO PROBLEM BANGING. So, what the hell?

It’s your duty as a man to ENJOY THAT SHIT. Free sex with no strings. If you’re friends, you ain’t gotta impress anyone by takin her out to fancy establishments like Starbucks and shit. It’s the perfect setup. It’s every man’s fuckin DREAM. We are ALL counting on you. Don’t let us down.

Look, you’re probably never gonna have a relationship with this chick, but keep a good thing going as long as you can. Can you push all the heart bullshit aside? If you can’t, you’d better listen to your friends. ‘Cause this shit ain’t going anywhere serious, and you’ll end up a weeping little mess. ‘Cause eventually, she’ll get tired of hearing romantical shit and cut the sex off, too.

AND THEN WHAT WILL YOU HAVE?

Sex is a right that none of us should ever be deprived of. So don’t fuckin deprive yourself of it when it’s right there in your face.

Murray’s counting on you. King Gonad is counting on you. George Clooney and Emmanuel Lewis are counting on you. EVEN THE GHOST OF FUCKIN’ MR. FRED ROGERS IS COUNTING ON YOU.

Make us all proud.

Now leave me the fuck alone.