Middle-Aged Whore-in-Training

Dear Murray:

Okay, here’s the story:

We’ve been apart on and off for about 4 months now. You probably remember me from a situation that happened here with him a month and a half ago..the whole thing was a bunch of crap and he lied big time about us not being together..but anyway, He’s been online meeting other females, took them out when we weren’t together for a day or two..and he doesn’t consider that cheating..whatever! 2 days ain’t shit, feel me..anyway..after all this time he keeps coming back to me telling me to work things out and stuff but I dont’ know if I can trust him anymore. I feel that if he was sneaky before like this then he’ll do it again right..anyway..my main question is, he wants me to go with him to AC this weekend but I’m not sure if I should go. I dont’ want to get used for some weekend sex and then when we get back from Atlantic City, he acts up again. The last time we had sex was a month ago, so I know he’s a horny toad and I dont’ want to give in and be hurt in the long run. What should I do? He’s constantly calling now and looks for me, something which he never really does, so it’s making me think maybe he does wanna work things out, but I dont’ know if I should or just let him go completely. Help!

-On Again, Off Again

It’s times like these that makes a man wish he was pro-gun and kept an arsenal of automatic weapons at his disposal. Why the fuck do you people look for advice? Do you expect a mothafucka to say “Oh, dearie, hang in there. He’ll see the light!”

What should you do? Per this situation, or in general? I’d suggest sipping on a cocktail of roofies with a twist of lime. There’s no fucking hope for you. You’ll cling onto any motherfucker who gives you the time of day. It’s not even about this particular guy. ‘Cause it’s pretty fucking obvious that his interest in you is about as limited as my chances of finding any good new porn starring Dana Plato.

So, what the fuck is your problem? Is it pure and rampant stupidity? Did your father keep pawning your Barbie collection to buy hookers and crack? How does someone get as fucking whiny and codependent as you?

So, this raises the question. Why the fuck are we so afraid to dump a motherfucker? He says he can change! I owe him, ’cause when I was down and out, he bought me breakfast at Jack in the Box! You will consistently meet fuckers like this who will not really be interested in you, and you’ll be convinced every single one of them is “the one.”

Think for a minute about all those middle aged whores you see who have been married 16752664561654 times and fucking hate everyone. I’ve never met one of those, but do keep in touch, because that’s gonna be you.

Thank you for ensuring the token middle aged tramp on valium population isn’t going to skip a generation.

Now leave me the fuck alone.