Dear Murray

Dear Murray:

I met this girl in a bar, and we really hit it off. I asked her for her number, and she gave it to me. I’ve called her twice, and she hasn’t returned my call. What’s up with that?

Thanks,
Jeff

I have a feeling that she hasn’t had time to return your call because she’s too busy IGNORING YOU. You called twice? Did you think she lost her phone or something? She gave me her phone number, too. It was 310-217-7638. I think you should keep calling it.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Dear Murray:

My boyfriend of six years and I have been thinking about getting back together. Should we?
-Kelly

Six years? Are you fucking serious? Haven’t you had enough? In six years, my ex wife got fat, lost 100 lbs, got fat again, lost 75 lbs., got fat again, lost 50 lbs. If you’re doing the math, that’s + 75 lbs. What do you really think is going to be different this time around? You think he’s really lost his flavor for strip clubs and transvestite hookers?

Take the money you were gonna use to bail him outta jail, and buy a puppy instead. Now leave me the fuck alone.