2008 January | Dear Murray

Monthly Archives: January 2008

Sugar on the Rag

January 28, 2008 – 1:00 pm

Dear Murray:

i’m in a bitch ass weird mood today. one thing i hate about being single is having no one to soothe me when i’m on the rag. i’m a selfesh brat today and i want someone to cook me a steak , bring my chocolates, pat my head and say “there there sugah.” i don’t even want to complain about my cramps, i swear. i just want someone nice and strong who smells nice to be sorry that i hurt. i had my ex so well trained in this regard..i almost miss the fucker right now.

i’m thinking there oughta be a service. a trade off if you will. he who is willing to deal with my poutyness gets the “yeah my period is over” bootycall.

whattaya think?

menses maude in maine

GODDAMN. Is that all it takes? Don’t let this shit out or the entire flower and fancy restaurant industries will collapse!

Does this have to turn into one of those fucking self-help group hugathons, though? there, there honey, it’s GOOD blood. it’s GOOOD. it makes life and you were chosen to make life. let’s chant. let’s all be happy. let’s

Fuck, I got carried away there.

The problem here is you are obviously ragging RIGHT FUCKING NOW, and nothing you say counts. Because if you want us to forget all those fucked up nasty things you say to us while you’re on the rag, we have to excuse EVERYTHING you say. Can’t be selective. It’s all or nothing, baby.

So then, bring your ass back here in a week when you’re not flowing like the mighty Mississippi and let’s see if your plan has been altered.

Then, we’ll talk.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

By Dear Murray | Posted in Bitches | Comments (2)

You must be 42 inches tall to ride this emotional rollercoaster

January 23, 2008 – 11:52 am

dear murray:

ok, I started dating this girl in february. She was a friend fo a friend but we didnt know each other that well. We jumped right into a pretty intensely physical relationship. The she sorta cooled off on me, saying that she wasnt really ready for a relationship, but that she really liked me and enjoyed spending time w/ me and wanted to develop a friendship w/ me. Fine, so we continue to hang out then we start fucking again about a month later. Then nothing for a couple of weeks, then we started fooling around again, but no sex. All my friends tell me to just cut her loose. The bitch of it is that she has become a really close friend of mine despite the emotional roller coaster. She has many of the qualitites that i want in a girlfriend, but I cant keep doing this. I feel like if I let her, she’ll cut my heart into 2 inch cubes.

What should I do?

-Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?

Ahh. Up and Down and Down and going down. CUT HER LOOSE? ARE YOU CRAZY? Why not just enjoy that shit? From the sounds of it, she’s being clear that she doesn’t want a relationship, BUT SHE HAS NO PROBLEM BANGING. So, what the hell?

It’s your duty as a man to ENJOY THAT SHIT. Free sex with no strings. If you’re friends, you ain’t gotta impress anyone by takin her out to fancy establishments like Starbucks and shit. It’s the perfect setup. It’s every man’s fuckin DREAM. We are ALL counting on you. Don’t let us down.

Look, you’re probably never gonna have a relationship with this chick, but keep a good thing going as long as you can. Can you push all the heart bullshit aside? If you can’t, you’d better listen to your friends. ‘Cause this shit ain’t going anywhere serious, and you’ll end up a weeping little mess. ‘Cause eventually, she’ll get tired of hearing romantical shit and cut the sex off, too.

AND THEN WHAT WILL YOU HAVE?

Sex is a right that none of us should ever be deprived of. So don’t fuckin deprive yourself of it when it’s right there in your face.

Murray’s counting on you. King Gonad is counting on you. George Clooney and Emmanuel Lewis are counting on you. EVEN THE GHOST OF FUCKIN’ MR. FRED ROGERS IS COUNTING ON YOU.

Make us all proud.

Now leave me the fuck alone.