Dear Murray

Dear Murray

I have a friend is just in love with a guy from the East Coast. She’s married, but soon to be not. The two of them have recently decided to get a little closer, starting with the possiblity of a move. He is free to go wherever he wants, she, on the other hand is not. Family issues keep her where she is. He is considering the move to her, which is a completely different way of life, and total culture shock. Is it really fair to ask someone to do that for another with no promises of commitment?
~ someone in the armpit of America

Goddamn, that ain’t love, that’s fucking INSANITY. Going from the east coast to mid-america ain’t just culture shock, it’s fucking electrocution. So, let’s look at the pros and cons of moving to the Bible belt.

PRO: You can pretty much smoke anywhere you want, including Burger King, even if you work there, and while you’re making sammiches.

well, ok. that’s the only pro.

CON: The weekend hotspot is APPLEBY’S. HAHAHAHAHA.

CON: He’ll soon learn to distinguish between the smell of cow shit and the smell of pig shit, and I dunno about you, but that’s the kinda fucking knowledge I DON’T NEED.

CON: At some point in his life, he’s gonna have a best friend named JUNIOR and JUNIOR is gonna be missing some teeth. Maybe all of his teeth.

CON: The most exciting time of the year is THE COUNTY FAIR.

So, there ya have it. Explain the pros and cons to that mothafucka, and if he still decides to go, and it doesn’t work out, then he pretty much deserves what he gets. Now leave me the fuck alone.

Dear Murray

Murray, what is the best way to approach celebrities? I am invited to a party that Corey Haim is supposed to attend, and I want to like talk with him, but not come off as all lame. Do you have any advice for me?
Alejandra
Los Angeles, CA.

Oh, have the Coreys have fallen. Fortunately, I think it was the OTHER Corey who did that shitpot of a fucking sequel Rock and Roll High School Forever, or I’d go with you and stab the motherfucker in his Little Corey.

Given the nature of this celebrity, I suggest you treat him with tenderness. “HEY COREY! YOUR CAREER IS SHIT, BUT HEY, YOU’RE STILL ‘LICENSED TO DRIVE”! HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAA”

“Hey Corey, your last movie was great. It wasn’t because it sucked that nobody saw it. It’s because all your fans are now vampires, and they can’t come into your movie theater unless you invite them in. HAHHAHAHAHA!”

“Hey Corey, look on the bright side. There’s always a possibility of Lucas 2!”

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Dear Murray

I met the nicest guy, and all I can think about is “oh, how cute. He won’t last long.” What is wrong with me?!

PS Well, the cock MIGHT be nice, I just dunno if I want it hanging around too long (no pun intended, I assure you)

Whoever said nice guys don’t win hasn’t been fucking reading Dear Murray lately. The nice guys are getting ALL the fuckin action up in this place. Are you people taking notes? MURRAY IS A NICE GUY, TOO! Can’t ya fucking tell? And I’m getting freaky more than R. Kelly at a middle school dance.

The problem is this. I hear women tell me all the fucking time “I want a guy to treat me nice. I’m tired of so-and-so doing this-and-that.” Shut the fuck up already. If you’re tired of mothafuckas treating you like shit, dump the fucker already. It’s that fucking easy. It’s much easier to dump that motherfucker than to remove my boot tread from your cheek. Because if you keep whining to me about it, that’s what’s gonna fucking happen. It’s a simple equation. If you date an asshole, and he continues to be an asshole, and you stay, then YOU LIKE ASSHOLES. ACCEPT IT. Take yoga if you have to in order to deal with it. BECOME ONE with the universe of being an asshole-lover.

Oh, right. Nice guys. Just tell the motherfucker up front. It’s really not hard to say “i can’t deal with anything serious.” “I just wanna hang out and have sex.” Shit like that is golden. Trying to interpret signs and actions is fucking annoying. When you keep silent out of trying to spare someone’s feelings, you’re fucking up yourself and the other person. I guarantee if you tell him exactly what’s up, he will go for it in a fucking heartbeat.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Dear Murray

I was friends with this girl for a really long time and my best friend was in love with her a couple years ago.. She never liked him like that.. Just recently.. Starting a little over a month ago, we started hanging out more.. The whole group of us, and her and I started showing each other more attention(Honestly, she was the one in our group that didn’t get much attention, so I wanted to see if I could get her to like me by showering her with attention).. We grew closer and closer and it got to a point where I just needed to know what was going on, so I asked her how she felt about me and it turned out that she liked me as much as I liked her.. So, we went out on a ‘date.’ This is all behind the scenes because we don’t want any of the rest of our group to find out about any of it. On the date, we had a great time, and just before we left to come home, I kissed her. We kissed all the way home, and then went to my house and kissed all night long until like 4am. Later that week, we had lots and lots of sex. To this day, we’re still not officially “together,” but we still mess around. Ok, here’s the problem, I’m ready for all of this to end. I want to go back to being just friends. I don’t want a relationship with anyone right now. It’s nothing against her, I’ve just got too much going on in my life. However . . . She is in love with me. What am I supposed to do? I don’t want to hurt her. We talked about this in the beginning. I asked her if she thought that we’d be able to go back to being just friends, and she told me yes. But I really don’t feel that this is the case at this point. How do I go about at least starting the process of going back to being just friends, without breaking her heart? Is it even possible?

~dilemma in delaware

Oh, woe is you. This sounds like a fucking teen movie. Only, once you’ve built up the shy girl’s confidence and taken her glasses off and gotten her a makeover and start the banging, instead of running off to college together, you wanna dump her ass. FREDDIE PRINZE, JR. WOULDN’T DO THAT SHIT! Why the fuck didn’t ya think about this beforehand? It’s amazing how we can see all the signs for potential drama, and still we charge forward. Trust me, I’m no fucking exception.

I’m beginning to think we should draw up fuck buddy contracts. Cut out all the he said, she said bullshit. Microsoft could sell templates for it for MS Word, and make a mint.

If you talked about the shit in the beginning, stop your fucking worrying. That’s not what you’re really worried about, though, is it? You don’t really want it to stop. You just want all the love shit to stop. You’re secretly hoping the banging can go on, no strings attached. That ain’t gonna happen with this girl, so you can just give up that dream right now. You’re not breaking anyone’s fucking heart, she’s breaking her own. You talked about it up front, and still she thought “maybe I’ll convince him!”

Fucking lame. Why do you even wanna be friends? Christ.

Now leave me the fuck alone.