2007 December | Dear Murray

Monthly Archives: December 2007

Online Lovers - THAT’S WHAT WE ARE

December 28, 2007 – 12:16 pm

Dear Murray

So, My boyfriend whom i met online 2 years ago, and I just spent a wonderful long weekend together in Seattle. He is from California. I live in Washington. This is the third time we’ve met in 2 years…NOt alot, but we are just now getting to the point where we have money to travel. We talk to eachother every day online and on the phone, and when we’ve spent time together, its been nothing less than perfect. He agree’s and i agree that we are perfect and fit well together. THe problem is, Coming back from this past weekend, im depressed because i dont want to talk to him online anymore. im tired of the online bit. Id rather have him here in person, but we cant move to be with eachother yet. So, what do we do? do we move on? because it hurts too much being apart? Or do we tough it out and make more plans to see eachother? Help…
-Smitten in Seattle

ARE. YOU. FUCKING. KIDDING. ME? This can’t be real. Someone please tell me this shit is not real. It’s real, isn’t it? Someone actually thought this up and wrote this shit out. Instead of fucking bashing their pathetic face in with a copy of Sleepless in Seattle, they wrote this fucking letter.

You’ve hung out THREE times in two years and… BOYFRIEND? He is not your fucking boyfriend! He’s just an occasional internet bang that you’re investing a whole lot of time and energy into. 3. three. THREE FUCKING TIMES!!!!!!!!! I’m assuming that’s weekends, and we’ll round up on the number of days in the weekend. 3. 3×3 = 9. In the last 730 days, you have spent NINE days with this motherfucka and you think he’s your boyfriend? I’ve spent more time than that with motherfucking Thai Elvis, but if he starts getting fresh with me, I’m gonna pop him in his goddamned eyeball.

THREE TIMES THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! This is everything that is wrong with the fucking internet. I read stories like this one all the time on losers.org. Guy and girl meet online, guy and girl fall in love, guy and girl get engaged jan. 7, 1999, guy and girl meet in person for the first time june 23, 1999. girl dumps guy july 27, 1999, guy decapitates himself with a chainsaw on girl’s lawn…

If any of you ever try pulling shit like that with Murray, I’m fucking outta here. I will destroy the internet from within, with the help of Al Gore, just so none of you can pull creepy shit like this on anyone ever again.

Give up on the “boyfriend” bullshit. Go bang 23 dudes in 21 days. Get this shit out of your system.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

By Dear Murray | Posted in Desperate and Lonely | Comments (0)

Decision time: move in with the family, or blow my fucking head off

December 27, 2007 – 12:43 pm

Dear Murray

Here’s my dilemma: Currently my life is okay. I’m 24, earned a Bachelor’s degree, have a job which I don’t mind too much that pays well and live with my family while I’m paying off my student loans (under 10K). However, as much as I love my parents and my brother, sometimes I would rather put a fork in my eye than be there. Additionally, I’m constantly travelling for socialization, for gigs (I’m a musician) and just to get out. Therefore, I was wondering if it might be more-cost effective and sanity-inducing to just bite the bullet and move out. The problem, though, is that I’m indecisive. If I move out, I might just want to move to a different city, somewhere closer to the ocean. But I’m just beginning to develop interesting relationships with the musicians in this town. Plus, I can’t manage my money to save my life.

What should I do?

Fondly,
is the grass really greener?

Moving back in with the parents. Nothing like it. I did that once. Never fucking again. Nothing like ma treating your ass like you’re 15 all over again. “Murray, you gotta do this and you gotta do that and how come you don’t have a girlfriend? ARE YOU GAY? Listen, I know this nice girl I can fix you up with. She had gonorrhea, but don’t tell her I told you that.” Thanks, ma. Always looking out for me!

Hell, I just spent several days with my family, so this shit is all fresh in my mind. It took everything I’ve got not to strangle the living shit out of every single one of my family members on Christmas Eve.

I’m a firm believer in focusing on what you want and going after it. If you don’t fucking at least try, you’ll have nothing but a bunch of what ifs. I was talking to this dude once in a bar in a small Midwestern town. He was going on and on about how he wanted to be a musician more than anything. “So why don’t you move the fuck out of this little town where you can pursue your dreams?” “naaaaahhh… i like it here.” It dawned on me. People like to talk about all the shit that they wanna do in life, but they’re too fucking petrified to just do it. I quit my job two days later, and I was out of the midwest within 3 weeks.

So, what’s it gonna be? You gonna talk shit or do shit?

Now leave me the fuck alone.