Dear Murray

Dear Murray

I’m in a band, and lately I haven’t had any time for anything. I never have enough time to sleep. I’ve been thinking of quitting the band, and I need a diplomatic way to let them know.

Carl

The truth there, buddy, is your band could really care less. You’re only in the band because you have a van and they need someone to haul their shit around. You think it was a coincidence that the same day they let you in the band, you had to help the singer move from Hollywood to Silverlake? Also, why do you think they light you that way at your shows? I hate to break it to you, but pitch blackness is not “artistic lighting”.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Dear Murray:

I met this girl in a bar, and we really hit it off. I asked her for her number, and she gave it to me. I’ve called her twice, and she hasn’t returned my call. What’s up with that?

Thanks,
Jeff

I have a feeling that she hasn’t had time to return your call because she’s too busy IGNORING YOU. You called twice? Did you think she lost her phone or something? She gave me her phone number, too. It was 310-217-7638. I think you should keep calling it.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Dear Murray:

My boyfriend of six years and I have been thinking about getting back together. Should we?
-Kelly

Six years? Are you fucking serious? Haven’t you had enough? In six years, my ex wife got fat, lost 100 lbs, got fat again, lost 75 lbs., got fat again, lost 50 lbs. If you’re doing the math, that’s + 75 lbs. What do you really think is going to be different this time around? You think he’s really lost his flavor for strip clubs and transvestite hookers?

Take the money you were gonna use to bail him outta jail, and buy a puppy instead. Now leave me the fuck alone.

Dear Murray:The new terrorist threat: ladies who ground a flight over something so ignorant

Toilet Paper Dust Diverts Vegas-Bound Flight

All that time & money wasted to the shitter!
The fuel spent on the extra landing/take off. The paychecks of the law enforcement called, investigators, etc. The money spent on the airplane employees while they stood around waiting. Money wasted testing the substance at some lab. The money wasted on the transport of said substance. The time wasted of the travellers.

What about the lady who grounded a flight over not wanting to hear people speak in a non-english language?

Arabic Spoken? Plane Grounded.

I, personally, would consider this similar to placing a false call to the police and getting a fine for it. So dumb.

This is why we need IQ tests to be able to fly. We need one airline for people who just wanna get to where the fuck they’re going. Then, we need a separate motherfucking airline for all the dumb white trash, screaming babies, and that MOTHERFUCKER with the whining cat on the red eye from San Francisco to Pittsburgh. I’ll kill your pussy, stuff it with stale peanuts, and roast that shit up in the microwave if you don’t shut that feline up, motherfuckers!

HEY! Them are suspicious! Dey tawk fuh-nny! Captain! There is a terrorist on the wing of the plane! OH GOD HE’S GEE-HODDIN THE ENGINE! We’re all gonna DIIIIIEEE! AAAAHHHHHHH! Christ, when did these people start flying to go visit the LARGEST BALL OF MUD instead of just loading the family up in the Winnebago, like their fathers before them?

Holy shit we’re living in a fucked up place. Not that this country wasn’t full of morons before 9/11, but that day evidently gave them all some common rallying point to freak out, hoard some guns, and live in fear of everyone else.

Hell, just last week, the cops in Boston damn near shot some nerdy MIT teen who came into the airport wearing a shirt with a circuit board on it. Seriously, get a good look at that shit. It couldn’t have been any sillier if it had had the fucking Energizer Bunny strapped onto it:

And if you think that’s crazy, this woman was almost kicked off a flight just for being a ho:

I understand that bitch is loose and all, but she can’t be hiding more than 2-3 terrorists under that flimsy little outfit. Nothin to worry about, people!

So, the only option is to get all these fuckers their very own airline. Fly American Scarelines! Load ‘em all up, and let ‘em freak the fuck out about each other. Jack ‘em up on lots of caffeine, and point them toward the coordinates 4.815 162.342. Say hi to Hurley for me, fuckers.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Currently listening : Paranoid By Black Sabbath Release date: 25 October, 1990

It’s Friday, I’m lazy + bored as hell. So, I’m gonna cop off of Olbermann here, and name my Dumbest Mofo in the Whole World for today, Sept. 21, 2007. This is a pretty difficult decision. How can you pick just one, when Dane Cook is sitting out there? I listened to Bill O’Reilly on the radio the other morning, for the first time ever, and holy hell. To summarize, I think it was basically a debate about who would have capped the Don’t Taser Me, Bro guy faster: Scarface or the Terminator? But I’m not here to completely tax K.O.’s gig, so I’ll leave O’Reilly alone.My nominee for the dumbest motherfucker on the planet? You’ve all seen his face. You’ve posted it in your bulletins and blogs. STOP. PLEASE STOP. Enough of this fraud. That shit ain’t funny. He didn’t give a shit about Britney. It’s all an act from some desperate attention whore to get you to watch his stupid YouTube videos. And you bought it, suckers! Not to mention, he’s a lousy fucking actor.

Please, please, NO MORE FUCKING CHRIS CROCKER.

Dumbest motherfucker in the WHOLE WORLD.

Now leave me the fuck alone, you piece of whiny shit.