Dear Murray

Dear Murray:

My boyfriend of six years and I have been thinking about getting back together. Should we?
-Kelly

Six years? Are you fucking serious? Haven’t you had enough? In six years, my ex wife got fat, lost 100 lbs, got fat again, lost 75 lbs., got fat again, lost 50 lbs. If you’re doing the math, that’s + 75 lbs. What do you really think is going to be different this time around? You think he’s really lost his flavor for strip clubs and transvestite hookers?

Take the money you were gonna use to bail him outta jail, and buy a puppy instead. Now leave me the fuck alone.