Up yer ass with Donnie Darko!

Dear Murray

I’ve been doing this online dating thing for quite some time, but it never seems to work out. I’m an attractive, artsy girl with my own apartment, eclectic tastes and a good sense of humor. None of these guys ever want to get serious with me. All I want is a solid relationship. Is that too much to ask?
-Single in Silverlake

Oh god, please stand still for five fuckin minutes whilst I fling copies of Donnie Darko at you while a dude in a baseball helmet gauges how fast i’m throwing. Do you go prowling for relationships? You think you’re gonna just input a couple of variables in the computer and out pops the perfect boyfriend? Christ. Didn’t you see the movie? YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER TO HOOK UP THE DOLL.

Look, you can’t force this fucking shit. You’re getting on my fucking nerves, lady. Are you one of those people who if a dude says “i think we should be friends” goes nutso screaming shit like “I don’t NEED any friends.” I have fucking met people like that. You want to be my boyfriend, but not my friend? If you wouldn’t be my friend, you’re never getting in my fuckin pants, lady! Get yourself a fucking kitten to be codependent with, and maybe you’ll get that shit outta your system and stop creeping your dates out.

There are alot of fucking people out there who are just looking for some goddamned anyone, and Murray is nobody’s motherfucking anyone.

 NOW LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.