If Only You Were Lonely, Too

Dear Murray

hey, murray, you seem to have a way with words. i try talking to women in bars, but i never seem to have any luck. maybe i’m not saying the right things. please help! tell me what to say!
-Speechless in Silverlake

You were at the Drawing Room last night, weren’t you? Well, I know each girl is different, but I don’t fucking know many who are turned on by this line “aAAARauuuuu WWAaaasssa uuuuuuuRRRRR NaaaaAAmme?” Why the fuck are dudes always coming up to me in bars asking me what they should say to pick up some girl? Shit. Several months ago, I was at the Scene and some motherfucker starts blabbing about how he really has to talk to this one girl and the best shit he can come up with is “YER BEAUTIFUL.” So I told the dude to forget that shit, and instead, he should go tell her “Hi, my name is ________, and I’m thinking of becoming a male nurse. Whaddya think?” And you know what? He fuckin pussied out, the drunk bastard. So listen the fuck up. If you’re gonna beg Murray for the right words to say, you’d best have the fuckin grapefruits to follow through. Here’s some conversation starters guaranteed to get some sort of strong reaction:

This one’s inspired by the Bible (Deuteronomy Chapter 22, which says it’s ok for a man to rape a woman, so long as she is not married and the rapist pays her father roughly $88 and marries her)
“I GOT A SIX PACK AND A BEN FRANKLIN! WHO WANNA PAR-TAY?????”

the pity route:
“I just broke up with my girlfriend. I caught her banging some homeless guy.”

Whatever you do, don’t try the fucking sensitive guy bullshit, ’cause that’s as transparent as the fuckin boner in your pants:
“I can’t believe what pigs guys are. Look at all these guys trying to get into these women’s pants”

the fuck you think you’re trying to do there, ya art fag? christ.

try sharing your hobbies:
“I’m constructing a fallout shelter from stolen shopping carts and empty bottles of two buck chuck. I could really use a second opinion on my shui.”

when all else fails, the immortal paul westerberg may have said it best “if only you were lonely, if only you were lonely, too, if only you were lonely, i’d go home with you.” ’cause face it. That’s the fuckin’ reality of the situation.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

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