Menu Home

Suck my PETA

Dear Murray,
I volunteer at Much Love Animal Shelter, I am a devout vegan and I don’t believe in the death penalty, but something happened tonight that shook me to the bone. I don’t know what happened. I think my feral animal nature over-rode my animal-loving nature, but today I saw a mouse crawl into my recycling bin and I didn’t rescue him from the lake of stale beer at the bottom. Not only did I allow him to nearly drown, but I let him get inebriated to the point where he was unable to run from my pit bull terrier. Fortunately, i was cooking bacon and my dog was distracted to the point where her natural mousing instinct was scrambled…
do I save the bacon grease? Or the drunken mouse?

Christ. Does this ever remind me of something that happened to me. I was a vegetarian for 16 fucking years, and I was living in this house on a hill with a buncha people. So, we got this mouse coming around. Took over like the fucking place was his own. Running to and fro, and all the housemates could do was fret about it. So we had the discussion, and they were all “i dunno… i don’t wanna kill the guy. i don’t want the bad karma…” HERE I AM the only motherfucking vegetarian in the household, screaming “KILL IT! KILL THE MOTHERFUCKER! KIIIIILLL IIIIT!”

Finally, we killed it, and were all happier for having done so.

Yeah, I gave up the vegetarianism. For what? Bacon. It was the gateway meat to sausage and pepperoni and chicken. It was only a matter of time. Lots of people told me I was a fucking hypocrite for being a vegetarian and wearing leather, but so fucking what? Of the many rights I have as a human being, the right to be a hypocrite is one that I hold very fucking dear. So kiss my motherfucking ass.

So, who gives a fuck? You’re cooking bacon for your dog but won’t let him eat a fucking mouse? That’s in fucking direct defiance of nature. Dogs may catch and eat a mouse, but when do you see a dog pull down a fucking pig and start gnawing on it looking for its pork rinds?

Just let the dog have the mouse and keep the bacon for yourself.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Categories: Pets and other fleabags Stupid White People

Dear Murray

Dear Murray a tasty, tasty bitch beloved and feared by hordes of basement-dwelling illiterati and their fierce antagonists, the Grammar Nazis. He single-handedly turned the webcam whorefest of Myspace into a lively commerce of ideas, including whether or not the TUBGIRL photo will ever be topped as a postmodern expression of the inexpressible. According to web historians, he has inspired more photoshop projects and syphilis jokes than Britney Spears (who he has been repeatedly linked romantically to). He is also rumoured to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby, a disciple of Cliff Yablonski, and the second gunman on the grassy knoll. Although he could not be reached for comment, he reportedly resides in or near the tent cities along the LA River Basin, third right after the walrus sunning station.

He has vehemently denied all charges that he is any any way responsible for that rash your wife claims "is from the heat".

His primary function is doling out advice; the inspiration sprang from an endless and eventually dull repetition of fucktards failed to heed his words.

A secondary result is a dysfunctional family "round table" of people who contribute innumerable one-liners and personal experiences, rarely related in any way to the actual question.

It is estimated that tens of thousands of readers have "LOL'd" approximately 5,395,645,694,167,467,105 times, with the toll expected to rise.

He is immune to kryptonite, chlamydia, and brainwashing.

Wikipedia has banned PENCILTITS's entry, debating the relevance of his tasty bitchiness.