Suck my PETA

Dear Murray, I volunteer at Much Love Animal Shelter, I am a devout vegan and I don’t believe in the death penalty, but something happened tonight that shook me to the bone. I don’t know what happened. I think my feral animal nature over-rode my animal-loving nature, but today I saw a mouse crawl into my recycling bin and I didn’t rescue him from the lake of stale beer at …continue…

Murray’s 12 steps to cure you from being a DICK

  Dear Murray: Do you have much knowledge or thoughts on 12 step programs? One of my questions, can you recover from addiction to crack cocaine but be able to drink socially at some point? You know Murray ain’t never needed any 12-step program. The first step would be them telling me how to live my life, and the next 11 steps would be my feet on their face and …continue…

Dear Sarah Palin

Dear Sarah Palin: Let’s face it. You’re not that hot. It’s all perspective. Sure, in a shotgun to my head game of Fuck, Marry, Kill with you, Libby Dole, and Diane Feinstein, I’d be throwing it in you faster than you could say “Caribou.” Compared to the rest of the population, though, you’re pretty average. If only Olympia Snowe were younger… she’d be the VPILF, and you’d still be eating …continue…

Pissdrinking for Profit

Dear Murray: I’m so fed up with my job. The company I work for is the most boring company on the face of the Earth. We make books for real estate appraisers. Real boring shit. Some of the people around here get excited about this shit, and it makes me just want to shit in the coffeemaker. When I first got this job, I was just happy to be employed. …continue…