Mutilation and the Kingdom of Heaven

Dear Murray:In about three weeks my 2nd child, a boy, is due to arrive. All is going well so far, and if ultrasounds are any indication, there’ll be 10 fingers and 10 toes.

There’ll also be something else … a foreskin !

It begs the question : Do we get him the ‘snip’ and have him circumcised, or leave it as nature intended ?

Me – I’m somewhat torn on the issue. Anatomically, I’m your proverbial ‘helmet’. And love it. However that only came about after an infection at three years old meant medical intervention was needed, otherwise I imagine I’d still have a foreskin. I have a few faint memories of hospital, but all in all I came through un-traumatised.

By the same token, I kind of agree with the philosophy that cutting of a boys foreskin to prevent infection is a bit like cutting of your big toe to avoid stubbing it ! Is it really that necessary ?

I’ve heard every opinion from family and friends already. I figure, may as well hear yours too. It’ll probably make more sense.

Regards – Captain Kickass

This is my covenant, which ye shall keep, between me and you and thy seed after thee; “Every man child among you shall be circumcized.”–Genesis 17:10

When l’il Murray, Jr. was about two, we were in the tub, and he was examining his penis. He got REAL interested in the difference between his little willy and mine. He sat there, squeezing it, making it pop out and retract. “You’ve gotta wash behind there.” He didn’t want any part of it. So, he points at mine and starts yelling “BROKE IT! GRAMMA BROKE IT! GRAMMA CUT IIIIT! HE CUT IT!” He was only two, so HE was his only personal pronoun. He may have just been onto something, with my mama being the symbolic Biblical HE. Regardless, he was right. GRAMMA BROKE MY DICK!

Why, Gramma, WHY? Forgive me for goin’ all Hitler, but I blame the JEWS. They invented this shit! Thousands of years ago, some old Jews said SNIP EM, now I’ve gotta live with no turtleneck for my blacksnake? Fuck the Jews! I want my foreskin back! Zieg heil!

There’s not much of a reason to do circumcisions anymore, unless you’re strictly adhering to the word of the Bible. Speaking of which, why would God give us a foreskin, then demand that we cut it off? That’s all fine and well now that we have sterile hospitals and all that, but back then, that required a visit to the butcher, and a chop with a rusty blade! WHY HAST THOU FORESAKEN MEEEEE!

Put it this way… there are two good reasons to get your son circumcized:

No. 1: If you plan for your son to be really filthy dirty. We’re talking Pigpen dirty. We’re talking smells like the asshole of Satan dirty. Come to think of it, Murray, Jr. has smelled like the asshole of Satan a few times (go wash yo’ ass, boy!), and he’s never had any infections down there. I realize YOURS got infected and all that, meanwhile, there are African bush tribes sleeping in huts and their little flesh calamari isn’t rotting away! People who have tons of bladder infections should probably get their shit snipped, since it’ll just be stewing in infected piss, and that’s bound to lead to nothing good. Just ask R. Kelly. But just because ONE can’t hang with the foreskin, you don’t take EVERYONE’s away!

No. 2: You already got plans to send the boy off to war? Something about wallowing around in mudholes with many, many men doesn’t set too well with the foreskin. Maybe it’s the not showering for however long you’re in combat or maybe it’s eating all that hard tack, nonetheless, the foreskin is a very likely casualty of war.

So there you go. If you’re shooting for one of those futures for the boy, get that shit snipped right after the doc smacks him on the ass.

Otherwise, fuck that shit. Don’t break the boy’s dick! If it gets infected and has to come off later, so be it. People go ahead and do the whole circumcision thing later because they have this idea that “it will hurt if he has it done later.” IT’LL FUCKIN HURT NOW! Welcome to the world! *SMACK!* *SNIP* HOLY HELL, THIS WORLD SUCKS, PUT ME BACK IIIIIN!

Say no to the ancient Jews!

Now leave me the fuck alone.