Murray’s 100% Guaranteed plan for LOSING WEIGHT!

Dear Murray

I’m trying to lose weight, and I need a good weight loss method. Any suggestions?


Goddamn. You know you’re in LA when you try to give a homeless man a sammich and he asks you “how many carbs are in that?” My grandmother weighed 850 lbs. She lied on the couch all day and ate. So do the opposite of that, ok? It’s not so fucking hard, people. Go to the fair sometime and look for the guy working the duck game. That guy’s never fat! He’s always greasy and thin, looking alot like that creepy old guy in Poltergeist II walking around singing “the lord is iiiiiin his holy teeeeemple.” So follow Murray’s weight loss program closely: get yourself a giant tub, fill it with water and plastic ducks, eat nothing but nachos and funnel cakes, and stand by the tub all day picking the fucking ducks out of the tub. You’ll be well on your way to the body you want.

Now leave me the fuck alone.