Doggie 9-1-1 is a joke

Dear Murray

My dog is sick. What should I do? I don’t live by any veterinarians or animal hospitals. The doctors at the regular human hospital won’t even look at him. He has a fever and he hurts when he walks and he won’t eat and he has a temperature. What advice do you have for me?

Sad about my dog,

I knew it was gonna come back and haunt me letting it out that Murray is a softie. Dogs are dumb, stupid, drooling, codependent animals. You won’t make Murray cry! Filthy, dirty, cat shit-eating beasts! Don’t look at me with those eyes!

If you really care about this dog, here’s what you do. You’re gonna need the following items: a giant serving platter with a lid, two oversized kitchen knives (the kind like you see on bugs bunny and shit), a red and white checkered bib, and a few condiments (see Anonymous in Koreatown to find out what goes good with dog). I want you to put the dog on the platter, cover him, and walk into the closest hospital emergency room. Put the bib on, pull out the knives and rub them together like you’re sharpening them. Then take the lid off the platter. By now, someone should have asked “what the fuck are you doing???????” to which you can reply “HE’S SICK, SO I HAS TO EAT HIM!”

You’ll be amazed at how quickly they’ll find a veterinarian. Now leave me the fuck alone.