I’m having a problem with foot odor. Whenever I get intimate with a girl, and take my shoes off, it kills the moment. It’s ruining my sex life. Please help!
-Fungied in Franklin Hills
Oh jesus. This reminds me of those Gold Bond powder commercials. You know the ones. GOLD BOND STOPS MALE ITCH. I knew this guy in college. I won’t call him a friend because, well, he disgusted and annoyed the fuck out of me. He would wear sandals with socks and you could fuckin smell nothing but feet within a 20 mile radius of this motherfucker. We were watching a movie in this little newsroom lounge and the fucker was eating Cheetos. Now, all people have the same issue when dealing with eating Cheetos. Some people prefer to suck the cheese powder off their fingertips. Myself, I like to wash my hands. What this motherfucker did, however, blows my mind to this very day. He held his fucking fingers up to his mouth like a toothbrush and began “brushing” his teeth with his cheese-encrusted hands, very rapidly. Fuck, ya know what? I haven’t been able to eat Cheetos since.
So quit being a disgusting motherfucker. Wash your shit. Take a daily bath, buy some new shoes AND SOCKS. Throw the Gold Bond on there, or the peppermint foot spray from the Body Shop works wonders. Buy it by the fucking GALLON.
Oh, and quit eating CHEETOS, Grant. We all know you don’t have a sex life, and it has nothing to do with the feet.
Now leave me the fuck alone.